You think that parenting is going to be all cute quotes and funny memories then you sit down for dinner and your 9yo asks you what you know about the dark web.
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I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point.
She turned around and found out I was walking her home.
I hope you catch the bouquet at my funeral.
Please stop giving your dogs human names. My sons Buster & Lucky are getting pretty sensitive about this!
My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.
Wake up, kids! Bees can’t even read, much less spell. IT’S A SCAM!
Everything I know about the Royal family has been learned against my will
I hate when people try to make small talk on the elevator. “How’s it going?”, “How about the weather?”, “Where are your pants?”.
March is coming in like a lamb. Slaughtered and roasted with a nice mint sauce, mashed potatoes and seasonal vegetables.
*playing a California Raisins record for a friend* Pretty good right? These are raisins playing all the instruments
Me: You should do that sexy thing you did a few weeks ago more often.
Her: When I was dancing in my panties?
Me: No…Cooking
Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor.
Me: Hey guys! What did Dad serve for dinner while I was gone?
My kid: (with a blue mouth) chicken nuggets and Play Doh
You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.
There are only two things in this world visible from space. One is the Great Wall of China and the other is my pile of laundry.
On the plus side, I don’t think anyone will ever again use the term “staycation.”
“Plumber kept hitting things with his head, attempted to climb INTO drain, took my coin collection, killed my pet turtle.
0/10 stars, would not recommend.”
– Super Mario Bros. Online review
Who decided that a clown popping suddenly out of a metal box would be a good toy for young children?
…..pretty much.
Kinda bullshit that alcohol isn’t considered a work expense, but ok
me: [letting dog lick my face]
wife: that’s disgusting
me: [squirting shampoo into my hand] you’re the one who used all the hot water linda
God: bite into this onion like it’s an apple
Abraham: what?
Jesus: dude he gets like this sometimes, just do it
Abraham, biting the onion: ew gross
God: lol nice. Ok now sacrifice your son
Abraham: wtf
God: sacrifice yours & I’ll sacrifice mine
Jesus: sorry what
Whenever I work out, I wear a push-up bra so I can do more push-ups. If I didn’t, it’d be so embarrassing and people would laugh at me.
I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.
“hottie with a body” implies the existence of “hottie without a body”……how do i become HER
my nickname in college
Raise your hand if you’d like to go back to more simple times when clowns were in the woods scaring us.
3 has started saying “actually,” so now I have a tiny reply guy following me around all day
“Wow, haha, this is awkward. I didn’t think anyone was home. Uh…oh well…bears gotta maul…amirite?”
doctor: i’m sorry [consoling my family] he’s going to live
Me: Well, I’m off to perform another organ transplant.
Wife: You’re a piano mover, you idiot.
Me: I change lives, Linda. I change lives.