[me narrating a documentary about narrators]
“I can’t hear what they’re saying cuz I’m talking”
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If Stephen King wrote Mean Girls: yeah so first we need more pig’s blood in this scene.
*has hiccups for 30 seconds*
MY LIFE IS PURE SHIT
Someone used my email address for their discord account so I logged into their account and deleted it lol.
my ex never cleaned the coffee filter basket. it was grounds for divorce . folks,,
Don’t let him know you’re a hologram. Don’t let him know you’re a hologram.
Interviewer: You’ve got the job!
*extends hand*Me: Dammit
I think the short sellers had it right with Game Stop. It’s a failing business. If you look closely at their actual business model it does not seem at all effective at stopping games.
Okay this futility isn’t going to exercise itself
My son is at that age where he’s curious about the human body.
I’ll have to hide it somewhere else now.
Ohhh so you don’t hate peaches. You just hate peaches that aren’t on MY plate. Got it.
– Me, to the 5 yr old
My horny ass could NOT have a banana cleaner 😭
DAUGHTER: Mom asked me to check on you and the eggnog making
ME [wrestling a screaming chicken into a blender full of milk]: GRAB ITS LEGS
The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.
When my wife told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo, I just had to put my foot down.
“I can’t please everybody.”
“You’re not pleasing anybody.”
“So you agree with me.”
Maybe she’s losing it.
Maybe it’s quarantine.
Ayy girl, are you Ohio? Because we should be Dayton.
Looking at food photos online may help curb overeating: study
Ways I am superior to ducks:
1. I can buy my own bread. Don’t need handouts
2. Lower likelihood of a fox eating me and my family
3. Better Penmanship
4. Have my own bank account (I know Scrooge McDuck had a bank account but he was fictional. I’m talking about real ducks ONLY)
Adult: What’s that a drawing of?
Someone else’s kid: A house and a rainbow and my smiling family
My kids: SONIC THE HEDGEHOG BUT HE FOUGHT ALIENS AND NOW HE’S COVERED IN BLOOD SEE HERE I AM CRYING ON THE CORNER
4yo: You’re a good dad.
Me: Thanks.
4yo: You’d be better if you said yes more.
Me: Okay.
4yo: Can I have ice cream? Think about what I said.
[Fancy Restaurant]
Host: May I take the lady’s coat?
Me: Please.
Host: And yours sir?
Me: *tightens belt around my karate GI* You can try.
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I coughed twice, so now I’m worried that the £67.43 in my bank account won’t split evenly between my two children when I die.
what idiot called it a best man instead of a lord of the rings
BARISTA: what can I get you
ME: medium roast please
B: ok, your gray roots are getting obvious and you have the silhouette of a potato
M: *under breath* damn
Hostage: [screaming]
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: [still trying to find the beginning of the tape on the roll]
I used to have a friend named CLINT then one time I wrote the letters of his name too close together on his birthday card
Contractor: well it’s not really in an ideal location. Traffic patterns would be a nightmare, you can’t really get in and out of the parking lot easily, and there really wouldn’t be much parking for customers and employees.
Chick-fil-A owner: I’ll take it.
ME: ok doc what’s wrong
DOCTOR: u have 6 months to live
ME: *leans in closer* no what’s wrong
DOCTOR: it’s just u only visit me when ur sick