Just burnt 2,000 calories…
That’ll be the last time I bake a pizza while I’m asleep!
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Just won a sausage biscuit at this basketball game. Never give up on your dreams.
Me when I see someone that knows me in public..
I tossed and turned so much last night that I woke up with an ab.
O Wise One….
God, I hate Apple. I updated my iPhone software and now I’m missing a bunch of photos, 30 bucks from my dresser and my favorite pants.
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
Was dating this chick whose cat used to poop in her tub all the time. I only did it once and she broke up with me. WTF?
He’s eating a burger and fries all nom nom nom and I’m over here eating a salad all non non non.
how come nobody who hacks celebrities ever does anything funny with it? they just type the n word like that’s comedy gold. You just hacked the CEO of twitter, idiot, you could’ve said something like “I am pleased to announce we are merging with Facebook. More details to follow”
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need a nap,
and a cheeseburger too.
Who called him Spider-Man and not Netflix?
My husband asked what I was doing and my phone changed tweeting to twerking and now he has questions.
If your wife says “what would you do without me?”
“Live happily ever after” is NOT the correct answer.Brrrr it’s cold in this doghouse 🙁
In response to McDonald’s pay with hugs campaign, Nationwide will allow you to pay for insurance with DEATH.
The way I see it, marriage is just an evil ploy to turn “my fries” into “our fries.”
You said that if I went to visit at the hospital I should be sure to take flowers. So, when the nurse wasn’t looking, I did.
The day we decided such footwear would be called “flip-flops” was not our most creative moment.
I thought 2020 was just going to be a bunch of bad eyesight jokes but no it’s much worse
*As people try to get me to go kayaking.
Me: Why can’t we just rent a baby yacht? That’s all I’m saying.
“any ideas?”
let’s tie a bunch of helium balloons together & then hold onto the strings
“whoa whoa whoa, let’s not get carried away”
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
Did you seriously hire a mentally unstable person to drive our kids just so you could say he’s driving them crazy?
Me as a principal: Maybe
“I’ll sleep when I’m dead” – me, before having kids
“I will murder someone for a nap”- me now
WIFE: *motions to me that she’s choking*
ME: *immediately dials 911*
911: what the emergency
ME: *handing her the phone* here u talk to them
It’s been a few days now but I’m still thinking about this
If you’ve never seen your woman truly pissed at you, it’s obvious you’ve never used her sewing scissors to cut paper.
HAVING KIDS
• expensive & boring
• they will live with you for 18 yearsBEFRIENDING A CROW
• cheap & exciting
• they will bring you gifts
• there is a good chance they will also be willing to do crimes for you
I’m getting to the age where I could be a cougar, but Wikipedia says cougars are “slender and agile” which pretty much rules that out.
[first day as a genetic scientist]
co-worker: how did everything just fly off the shelves
me: *sliding new telekinetic cat behind me with my foot* iunno
I’m bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.