A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.
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About halfway through my wife’s lecture on how dangerous cutting my own hair was I chopped off my own ears. I’ll never hear the end of it now.
kidnapper: [on the phone] pay the ransom to get your son back
dad: oh god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: son listen money doesn’t grow on trees
My 5YO lost her first tooth and is very certain that the tooth fairy will give it to an old lady who really needs it
Life’s too short to have your shit together.
CPR refresher class. We’re told, “If they’re not breathing, there’s no way you can make it worse.” Woman then trips; kicks dummy’s head off.
Lifeguards should focus more on water safety and less on me laying eggs in the sand.
My husband came with me to the gynecologist. As a new patient, I had to fill out a form asking if I’d ever had an IUD. When I checked the ‘yes’ box, he said: “You drove drunk!?!”
I made a list of things I would do for fried chicken. I’m not proud of the list, but not ashamed enough to cross anything off.
9 year-old attempts to follow a recipe:
“It says here to separate the eggs. How far apart do they have to be?”
recently discovered you can push text scammers to their breaking point simply by playing along with the scam
What did people do with pineapple before pizza was invented?
You can make approximately 225 circles in a roundabout before the cops show up
YOGA CLASS
INSTRUCTOR: And now we go into downward dog
*loud thud
GARY WHO IS A T-REX: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just a bloody nose.
Told my son I needed some non talking time while I drank my coffee so instead he sat next to me and hummed the godzilla theme.
I dont have a “college fund” bc my youngest will most likely get a scholarship and my oldest thinks all dogs are boys and all cats are girls
I accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now my wife takes pictures of me every 15 minutes.
Me: Good morning. Allow me to sprinkle some positivity on this gloomy Monday morning.
HR: You can’t just throw glitter at people.
1st child: you encourage creativity
2nd child: you encourage independent play
3rd child: you stifle all imagination to avoid a mess.
Oh, the other kind of staff meeting.
*Gets dressed.
How does Super Mario contact his dead brother?
Using a Luigi board!
Adult black cat: looks like a pool of shadow, sleek, elegant, mysterious, walks in beauty like the night
Black kitten: looks like a sockful of soot halfway through exploding and is really confused and mad about it
Trump’s gonna be sooo mad when he finds out that China realized building a Great Wall didn’t keep foreigners out 400 years before he did.
My daughter: Can I go to my friend’s house?
Me: Take your phone & text me every 20 minutes to tell me you’re okMe when I was 10: I’m off to the abandoned quarry with my pals
Mum: Dinner’s at 5
ME: You have a beautiful home.
HER: I’m a bartender. You’re at a bar.
According to the conductor, the train I’m currently on is going backwards to the previous station to “get a running start” up a hill, which feels like an idea I’d have if I was in charge of a train.
Q-TIPS WARNING LABEL: do NOT put these in your ears you WILL go deaf and probably die
EVERYONE: ima pretty much exclusively use them in my ears
Devil worshipper leader: “Due to a typo we have summoned the wrong demon.”
Stan: “Hey there.”
I finally got my first interview since moving to the US. Almost able to say something more romantic to the GF than “you’re out of batteries”