[God creating burps]
Ok, that’s gross, can we make it come out the other end?
Angel: yes sir
O-M-G! Hahaha! Do it again! Hahahaha! Dead!
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Me: how much for the horse kabobs
Ride operator: it’s a carousel
4yo: Are you asleeeep?
Me: I was. What’s up?
4yo: There’s a monster in my room.
Me: Trust me. The way you’ve been acting it won’t stick around long.
I always have a cheap bottle of wine in the house in case any family visit.
😅🤣😂
Coworker: You look tired. Did you not get enough sleep last night?
Me: Nope. Slept great! But thanks for telling me I look like shit.
I couldn’t get the dog off the bed so I held up his ear cleaning solution, now he’s hiding somewhere and I’ve got fresh linens
The best thing about the first day at a new job is nobody knows I only have one outfit.
Me: [buckling 3yo into car seat] You can’t have a popsicle in the car. You’ll get messy and sticky.
3yo: *ear-shattering screams*
Me: Good point. How many do you want?
2015: I can’t believe people think the dress is blue and black
2016: I hope the human race doesn’t destroy itself forever in violent chaos
I would describe the cologne on the guy who was just in the elevator with me as “all of it.”
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
Interviewer: “Do you consider yourself a punctual person?”
Me: “I was born three months premature.”
Local pub has a new special drink. The house lager infused with nitrous oxide. Yeah. They call it the Brew Haha.
I understand. It’s been nice knowing you.
If you watch Home Alone backwards it’s a loving story about an 8 year old boy that heals two men that were savagely beaten
Have kids so you can start your day with questions like, “mom, why do people clean toilets?”
Most of you didn’t even question if turtles would make great ninjas. You just believed it. I should’ve known then we’d end up where we are.
Son, there’s no need for a paternity test. I knew you were mine when you came prematurely.
[first weekend away from the kids]
ME: lemme sleep 5 more minutes
PRISON GUARD: ma’am your husband posted bail Friday
Times I’ve served soup with my ladle: 0
Times I’ve been prevented from opening/closing a drawer by my ladle: 18,971
Scientists report global context shortage. “I guess I’ll have flan,” some scientist said, totally out of context.
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
Hey morons, when in doubt, just spell it “theiyr’re.”
Cause of death: Zumba
Me: Do you want McD or KFC for dinner?
Hubs: Can’t you make something? Any ideas?
Me: Divorce
How to avoid interaction with coworkers in 4 steps?
1. Take a group selfie
2. Crop everyone out except you
3. Post it on FB
4. Tag all of em
*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want
Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye is like Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye.
The problem with studying ancient Chinese art is I want some Mexican art a half an hour later.
Post more gym selfies so I know who to call when I need to move
I’m still disappointed that Penguin and Random House merged to become Penguin Random House and not the more hilarious Random Penguin House.