for the 7th year in a row, Rick Astley refuses to give his wife her favorite Pixar movie for Christmas
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At Costco I just bought my cemetery plot, my casket, and the 80 lb bag of beef jerky that will eventually kill me. One stop shopping.
When your parents said you could be anything you wanted, I don’t think they meant annoying
i did not spend hours helping you clean your house just to be yelled at for hiding dishes in the oven
Woman 1: you sure the left half is fine?
Woman 2: I honestly have no preference, really
Woman 1: cool ♥️ I’ll take the right, please
King Solomon: *sweating*
At my funeral will you make sure the pallbearers say things like
“Wow, She’s so light.” and “Is she even in here?”
ZOMBIE 1: why do we eat brains?
ZOMBIE 2: because. It’s food for thought! haha
ZOMBIE 1: [sigh]
Having another child is like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks and someone throws in a bowling ball.
Her: I’ll bring the wine, you bring the sandwiches. Any kind.
[later]
Her: Umm, why is the picnic basket dripping?
My: Oh no, my ice cream sandwiches!
*makes a series of careless mistakes that are clearly my fault*
Mercury in retrograde again I see
[first date]
Bruce Wayne: “please tell me you’re a dog person, i’m so done with cat women”
I want my daughters to work where they want to work, live how they want to live, and love who they want to love.
But more than that, I want them to CLOSE THE CABINET DOORS WHEN THEY ARE DONE GETTING A PLATE
ME: this mask should give me the best protection
SCUBA INSTRUCTOR: is that an N95
Me: You know, talking to yourself doesn’t make you crazy.
Me: I know, right?
Me: It’s a sign of advanced intelligence.
Me: High-5.
Me: Word.
Can we just save all our energy and use it on something useful like arguing about something that will never change?
How do you plead?
“Your honor there are 12 jurors & I brought a dozen donuts”
Bribery is illeg-
“A baker’s dozen” *winks*
Case dismissed
My auto reply to texts:
I would love to, but I have to [verb] a [noun] .
I don’t want to intimidate anyone but I did my laundry and took the clothes out of the dryer on the first try.
Kevin Hart said that he has turned down roles because the characters were gay, which is weird because I didn’t think he knew the word “no.”
Having a tea party is fun until your daughter tells you that she got the water from the toilet
The human race won’t go extinct when our blood turns into high fructose corn syrup
Our demise will come when hummingbirds figure it out
We need less flight attendants and more Costco sample ladies on airplanes.
[getting mugged]
ME: *leans in for a kiss*
MUGGER: *slowly backs away*
ME: haha this is so us
Remember guys, it costs zero dollars to be annoying to strangers on the internet.
OMG, GODZILLA IS COMING TO ATTACK NEW ENGLAND AND WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE-oh, he said huge blizzard, not lizard… Carry on then.
date: what turns you on?
me: cartoon superhero movies
date: [laughing] incredible
me: yah that’s my go to
Just found out the hard way that they don’t like the poop jokes over on LinkedIn, just to warn you guys.
“And on the 7th day, He rested.”
Yeah, because He didn’t have any kids yet
A haiku about getting the kids up for school:
Get up get up get
Up geT UP GET UP GET UP
Great there goes the bus
HIM: *turning the heat down* You have the heat too high!
HER: *turning it up* No, YOU have the heat too LOW!
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: Stop that, this is my office.