Me: I want my pills wrapped in cheese like my dogs.
Pharmacist:
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If you don’t sleep now, you’ll sleep during the exam. If you sleep now, you’ll fail in the exam. Life is a mess.
Me: Have a taste of your own medicine
*I force the pills the Dr. prescribed for me down his throat*
Me: WHO HAS ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION NOW?!
💀💀🤣 Why are we like this?
The term “baby steps” is so offensive to babies. If you’re a baby, taking a step is the most impressive thing you’ve ever done.
We DID NOT walk 500 mile.
And we WOULD NOT walk 500 more.~ The Disclaimers.
I hate ramen noodles.
*Checks bank account balance*
I love ramen noodles!
Please can I keep him – he followed me home!
STOP MAKING IT WEIRD
I have a new alter ego named Princess of Optimism. You may call me Poo.
I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.
[at Home Depot]
Cashier: That’ll be $25
Me: Here’s a gift card that should have some money on it
Cashier: *scans card* That’ll be $24.84
TSA agent: Ma’am you’re alarming in your abdomen.
Me, starving: You can hear that?!?
Them: …
Me: …
Them: It’s the drawstrings on your pants.
Me: They’re hungry too?!?
the reason wordle only does one word per day is so you can spend the rest of your day talking about wordle
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
Hear me out:
Instead of The Bachelor giving out roses to the women, he gives them each a roll of toilet paper.
This is where we’re at, people.
My coworker’s out here matching her water bottles to her clothes and I don’t even match my clothes to my clothes.
Cops have a new radar that lets them see through walls into our homes but imagine if this technology fell into the wrong hands! Oh wait…
What Nasa dont want you to know is those space suits they wear, those are actually bee keepers outfits.
Space is full of bees.
The moon is actually a giant hive, its where we get like 95% of our honey from. Check that moon landing footage again, its not grainy, thats a swarm.
Jousting on horseback except both competitors have party subs.
u know how sum people get amnesia well i got opposite amnesia i remember everything ask me what i ate this morning. breakfast next question
I was gonna post a picture of my breakfast but I can’t get the gummy bears to sit up straight.
[Antichrist emerging from the ground]
*looks around*
Oh, I see you’ve all been doing a good job without me.
Ooo! The morning weather girl…
Come on baby, give daddy the five day forecast.
Can’t believe my ‘Eat everything you want and hope for a miracle” diet is not working!
I’m never more unattractive than when a bee flies in my face
How can you tell a vampire has the virus?
He’ll be coffin.
You’re not supposed to be your pet’s friend, your job is to make sure they get into a good pet college.
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
Facebook: Look at my perfect life
Instagram: Validate me harder
Twitter: Does this look infected?