You know people ask “how are you still single” to singles? It’d be funny if we started saying “how are you still married” to married people
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If you’re gonna name your son after you, at least make it interesting. Like, instead of Junior, go with something like “Jeff 2: Revenge of the Jeff
All I’m sayin is that you’re not gonna want my kid doing your taxes after being homeschooled by me.
I found this set for $10 at a garage sale and I need someone else to be as excited about it as I am
This Dollar Store thesaurus sure is coming in…
*shuffle shuffle*
…hippopotamus.
“We’re gonna need more chalk.”
– detective who discovers my body
[me as a DJ]
Where my single ladies at?
*drunk responses*
This one’s for you
*turns off music, serious tone*
This is a bad place to meet men
pete davidson, pete davidfather, pete davidholyghost
BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive
FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE
I yelled at my gynecologist
cop: could you please describe the man who tried to kill you
me: yeah he was not nice
How bold of you to assume I care, I tell my aloe plant who’s wife just cheated on him (allegedly).
Boss: You were napping
Me: No I wasn’t
Boss: You drew eyes on Post-it notes & stuck them to your face
Me: Liar! *draws on angry eyebrows*
The first thing I’m going to do when my kids move into homes of their own is machine gun fire toothpaste spit all over the faucet and mirror in the bathroom.
When a woman has her husband’s last name, my first assumption is that they got married in their 20s. I feel like by your 30s, you’ve absolutely maxed out on paperwork.
Oatmeal shouldn’t get to have the word “meal” in it. How about oatsnack? Or oatbullshit?
{Stalker Diary}
Went through his trash.
He buys the generic Fruit Loops. I remain committed. I find his frugalness irresistible.
[during sex]
Her: talk nasty to me…
Me: the coconut flavored LaCroix…
Her: omg so nasty
Me: It’s like drinking a suntan lotion & tonic
It’s like the police helicopter that’s been circling my neighborhood for an hour doesn’t even care about us unemployed people trying to watch TV.
WEBSITE CEO: We need a fool-proof way to ensure everyone who enters the site is over 18
“What about clicking on a button that says I’m over 18?”
WEBSITE CEO: Bob, you have done it again
[first day in the crime lab]
me: I can’t believe we get to invent new heists
What are you gonna argue about with your family this Thanksgiving?
1. Minimum wage
2. Police reform
3. Why are there raisins in this, Louise
[First day as pirate]
*sword tip pokes me in back*
*sighs*
*walks plank*Me: Whatever, y’all are out of rum anyway.
Him: You drank it all!
[first day as Niagara Falls tour guide]
And to the left you can see [frantically flips through your guide] water.
[50 years from now]
*visiting husband’s grave*
“I wanted to let you know that after all these years I’ve finally figured out where I want to go to eat.”
*Cleans out purse and finds another purse*
coworker: how was your weekend?
me: sucked, I had to move
coworker: you sold your house?
me: no, my wife made me get off the couch
“This is a robbery! Be cool and nobody gets hurt!”
ME: *starts vaping*
Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: “Toast”
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me getting out of the shower, the door bell ringing and I can’t find a towel.
You: hello
Me: Ok here’s why you’re wrong