Right now, I need a Transformer that can turn into a blender that’s not broken.
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What’s the most baby state? Washington because WA
Home Alone: Abandoned by his loved ones, a young boy must survive a violent home invasion. (Family, Comedy)
Teacher: Ok, which of you stole the thesaurus?
Student: Not me
Student: Not me
Student: Nay myself
Student: Not me
I don’t care if it’s a Hell Hound or not, I’m still going to pet it.
My dog loves me, but he also eats his own poop. I don’t think I can trust his judgment.
Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.
I found a Squirtle in my pants & I’m not even playing Pokémon Go!
*pronounces woah like Noah*
Working front desk at Motel 6 wasn’t paying the bills so I started dealing meth to the housekeepers. It was an Inn side job.
I just owned you for three seconds. Possibly five if you’re a slow reader. Up to ten if you read this again.
If you unfollowed someone because you were pissed off at them but they apologize you should be able to refollow without them getting a notification and thus realizing that you unfollowed.
No reason
ME: Happy Valentine’s Day! Enjoy these chocolates.
HER: Ugh, these are all coconut. Did you get me anything else?
ME: *awkwardly hands her a bouquet of coconuts*
One time I screamed so hard about a professional athlete not playing through an injury I blew out my back and couldn’t work for a week.
[moments after time traveling to 1863]
LINCOLN: four score & seven years ago
ME: [behind a tree] JUST SAY IT NORMAL
<thud>
*shoe lands on sidewalk
*picks up shoe
*sees it’s my size
*looks up
*sees man stuck in tree
*sits
*waits for the other shoe to drop
We never discuss the elephant in the room at family gatherings; my siblings just toss peanuts at me.
They should make you watch a training video and pass a little test before you’re allowed to touch the office coffee maker.
I have nothing nice to wear for the government shutdown
I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.
Brad Pitt and I had a handsome contest and the loser had to adopt a bunch of kids.
No matter what country you’re from, how you identify yourself or what you believe in, you’ve tried to move objects with your mind before.
Dated this guy who took me to his parents Christmas party. They put out a punch bowl and I threw my date’s and his dad’s car keys in it
*first year living alone*
Me: *runs out of bedroom on Christmas Day to find no presents* what
The grease on the floor adds an element to Waffle House brawls that doesn’t exist anywhere else in the fight world and whatnot.
Someone: what have you been up to?
Me: thanks, you too.
I do my deepest thinking when I can’t figure out why someone honked at me.
Not to brag about my wealth but a well-known billionaire has recently been begging me for “5, 10…even 25 dollars”.
The only thing we need to bring back is duels.
I’m probably being paranoid, but I’m pretty sure this guy knows I’m following him
A face that lunched a thousand chips.