Chaos Theory or how my wife describes my dishwasher loading technique…
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Me: Where are the zip ties and duct tape?
Costco employee: Aisle 6
Me: [squeezing his bicep] Oooo you’re beefy. Do you guys carry chloroform?
Judge: State your name.
Me: Not Guilty
Judge: What?
Me: I had it legally changed.
Judge: You’re Not Guilty?
Me: *moonwalks outta there*
Rappers: we gonna see you in the club! Get down in the club! Party in the club!
Me: ok cool can’t wait
[is too embarrassed to ask ‘but which club though’]
nothing more rude than taking a photo of yourself and it looking like how you actually look, and not how you look inside your head
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
me: [orders for my date like a gentleman]
waiter: five sides of mashed potatoes?
Scientist: The outside of your phone is the dirtiest thing in the world.
Me: Lol, you haven’t seen the inside.
waitress on law & order: oh yeah, he came in for lunch three months ago with a pretty brunette. they sat at table 3 and had an argument
me as a waitress: you’re telling me this man with a limp, a scar, and a funny hat came in yesterday? sure, maybe. don’t remember
Being a billionaire should be illegal unless you’re a talking duck with no pants.
Just because someone smiles a lot doesn’t mean they’re nice. Take alligators for example.
Kids have so many food allergies these days.
In 15 years you’ll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts.
Gave my seat to a blind man on the bus.
Lost my job as a bus driver.
I sent youse two to whack that freakin’ guy and instead youse screwed it up like a couple of
I bet a lot of guys who don’t think that rape is a big deal were super upset when that U2 album was put on their phone without consent.
Not right now, protecting the 50 lb pit bull from the scary washing machine.
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
It was so cold UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii
My online boyfriend loves me so much that once I put my money in his PayPal account he is coming to visit me.
which is the Beyonce song where it’s like we’re independent but also you should marry us but like we’re super-strong but also pay our bills
Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song
I’m beginning to think some of you are not your Avi’s, which makes me sad. I thought I had a unicorn and dinosaur friend.
ME[David Attenborough voice] Starting with the outer layers he’ll devour the entire carcass
HER: are you narrating yourself eating lasagna?
I like my coffee like I like my women: Much, much hotter than I have any business putting in my mouth. And sprinkled with cinnamon.
You know when someone’s all “ugh this smells terrible” and they want you to smell it too? That’s what sharing political news is like lately.
It’s like joking about bombs in the TSA security line. Is it protected speech? Yes. Is it a crime? No. Are you going to have a bad day? Yes.
My neighbours claim to be huge Disney fans but called the cops when I mowed the lawn Winnie the Pooh style
Back to Future II is so unrealistic not a single person takes a selfie or gets bullied on the internet
What my husband said: How about you run to Target for cleaning supplies and I’ll hang with the kids
What I heard: How about you run to Target alone so you have the freedom to spend this months mortgage payment on unnecessary home decor and a 2020 calendar that you’ll never use