Boy, are you a yellow sports car because I am embarrassed to be seen with you but I am very pleased with your performance.
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Instead of cars warning us of stupid things, like the door is open, it should tell us useful things, like there’s a cop hiding in the bushes
me: it was my first day in prison, so I went up to the biggest, scariest guy and punched him
St. Peter: then what happened
[romantic dinner]
her: “I was hoping it might just be the two of us.”
ventriloquist dummy: “he said I help with his confidence.”
[having sex]
me: *finishing first* I win again!
wife: you really don’t
Little kids only want to be independent when you’re running late.
Noah: it’s starting to rain hurry up you two
Bob the Unicorn: whew we made it
Joe the Unicorn: yeah just in time
Me: did you leave out the cookies for Santa?
My Kid: yes.
Me: and the milk?
My Kid: yup!
Me: and the waiver for Santa to sign holding us harmless in the event of food poisoning?
My Kid: (sigh) yes.
If you see me out in public but we haven’t spoken since high school let’s keep it that way.
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
*Santa’s Google search*
cheap labor
cheap labor not kids
magic cheap labor
elf for sale bulk
labor laws by country
north pole group travel
This kid was such a psycho, I told him his food was an airplane and he willingly ate it not questioning all the living passengers aboard.
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few cartons of eggs into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford eggs.
“I’m frying some fish for supper, so yall come over & eat” is what I said.
“You’re also gonna be helping me move my piano” is what I meant.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
We have one rule in this house and one rule only: nothing too lifelike that will scare you when you walk into a dark room.
KID: what do geese do at night
PARENT: good question
GOOSE(in a surveillance van): [spits out coffee] dammit we’re running out of time
I’ll be the one at the office Christmas party, waiting patiently near the exit, so I can be the second person to leave.
I feel so envious when I see young mothers pushing their babies in strollers. I want my OWN…..my own stroller & someone to push me.
Space could be filled with vampires, but we would never know, because telescopes use mirrors.
*On date*
Her: hey, how are you?
Me: yeah really g..
BRAIN: *interrupting* TELL HER THAT RAP ABOUT ANTS YOU MADE UP ON THE WAY HERE.
Sex at 20: yes baby rearrange my guts
Sex at 40: be careful my gut is still a little bloated from all those bread sticks
Guys I finally came up with a name for our character: Spongebob
“Perfect!”
Thanks
“What’s his last name?”
Oh, uh- *looks at pic* Squarepants
Curious that it’s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.
What is this special type of waffle called a “Tennis racket” and why does it taste like metal wires?
Husband: Can you turn on the hose for me?
Me: Sure {awkwardly starts removing clothes}
*Sees old 1987 ford mustang and gets in* Lets see if this baby still works *pulls baby out of backpack* *baby cries* Great! *Puts it back*
Husband: We’re invited to a dinner party
Me: Did Agatha Christie teach us nothing??
You lost your mind? Don’t worry. Ask any mom and she’ll find it within two minutes.
If I storm out of a room, there’s a 50% chance I’ll trip over something on my way out.
KFC suspends iconic ‘finger lickin’ good’ slogan amid coronavirus fears