My 2yo thinks 5 am is a great time to discuss the mysteries of life.
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didn’t turn any of my pre-dawn work alarms off bc i thought i needed to panic for no reason on my days off
“I don’t see color.”
-dogs
There are many to choose from but my favorite quote from the Godfather is when he says “it’s-a me, The Godfather”
What idiot named them Minions and not Gru-pies
Am I the only one who wonders why the Flintstones celebrate Christmas.
me: you there, boy! what day is it? what month?! out with it!
boy: why, sir, it’s the Wangth of Dongtober of course
me: [slapping time machine] by jove, we did it!
ME: Hey, what are you building?
PAL: A new kitchen counter
ME: That seems…
PAL: Please don’t
ME: …counterproductive
jerry would invest in crypto but gain nothing
george would invest and lose everything
kramer would become a billionaire
elaine would call them all stupid until she starts dating a crypto guy
Today I learned just how long ten minutes are by doing an ab workout.
Online shopping is all fun and games until you have to get up and get your credit card from the other room.
Me: Son, how many times have I told you to stop playing with dolls?
Son: I’m trying to teach CPR. Please get out.
No I don’t have Tourette’s. I just stubbed my toe
Me: objection your honour!
Judge : sustained
Me: *takes deep breath* objectionnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn
Me: nice car
Friend: yeah 400 horsepower
Me: that’s like 7000 ducks
Friend: what
Me: what
in hindsight, grumbling about my mother having 30 pairs of slippers was ill-timed in coinciding with the arrival of my 12 pairs of Old Navy flip-flops
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: you opened it in Word didn’t you
Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it
me: can i have a raise?
boss: i think the better question is how can we meet your career goals
me: by giving me more money
I want to do the #nakedchallenge to see my boyfriend’s reaction, I just need a tiktok account and a boyfriend
rt if you’d call your friend just to tell them that potatoes came to japan in 1600
Release that sexual frustration, get a burger.
The “Allosaurus you can eat” buffet was very popular with Jurassic Park visitors. After the fences failed it was also popular with the Allosaurus.
Pigeon open mic night.
I’ve got an adidas tracksuit just in case I gotta whack someone.
Update my mom has decided that my peanut butter intake is too high so she has hidden all the peanut butter. Little does she know I went to the store and bought more and while I was hiding it I found the other hidden container. Double peanut butter. Game on Amy.
Want to feel old? Have sex with someone your own age.
If you ask a haunted doll if they’re possessed they have to tell you.
E-Harmony Rep: And here’s your starter cat-
Me: What?
Rep: Here’s your starter pack.
Me: You said cat.
Rep:
Me:
Rep:
Me:
Rep: *folder meows*
Hot Hot Hot
Me: my wife says I never pay attention
Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list