[spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is sentence
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Moderator: your word is sentence
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AGENT SCULLY: someone got diarrhea so bad they had to land the plane
AGENT MULDER: [tosses file on her desk] ever hear of the diarrhea alien?
I want a fast formal restaurant. Food comes out in two minutes, but they won’t serve you unless you’re wearing a suit with tails. I think this could be a little fun while society breaks down
Fair play to the crow who visits the roof outside my window first thing each morning, and whose cawing has the exact pitch and rhythm as the reversing alert on the recycling lorry, sending me into a blind panic that I’ve forgotten to put the bins out.
In nature, bright colours are warnings of venom. Therefore, carrots are poison
35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle
[commercial for soap]
NARRATOR: soap. it fights dirty.
Teens today stuck inside all day long playing video games.
In my day, we spent all day outside smoking hash oil & cigarettes with friends.
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I’m a seismologist.
Me: No way! Can you…
Date: Please don’t.
Me: …guess my height?
What’sApp
Me: Mom, what’s for dinner?
Mom : typing …*gets married*
*have kids*
*gets old*
*dies*
*goes to hell*Mom: Fish, honey!
[first day as detective]
Me: looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me [pointing at bullet wound]: well yeah
It’s hard to overstate the pressure and anxiety I feel when a stray ball comes onto the sidelines at my feet and the Pee-Wee coach and all the six-year olds look at me as if to say “surely you, a grown man, can accurately kick that ball back to the ref while everyone watches.”
Lose wallet.
Panic.
Ask everyone if they’ve seen it.
Tear your car and house apart.
Drive all over the city retracing your steps.
Give up.
Cancel credit and debit cards.
Find your wallet under a piece of paper on the nightstand.
Blame the dog
My brother has been remodeling his guest bathroom for over a year. The door has been off for almost as long.
And that’s how you keep people from visiting your house.
Just found out my 6yo has mono and the doctor who diagnosed her asked if anyone in the house has similar symptoms, including excessive fatigue. Um, Sir, based on that alone, I’ve had mono since 2009.
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
Trust me, your laptop is dishwasher safe
It’s always funny when the flight attendant says “we know you have a choice of airlines” as if free will exists.
The pool supply sales lady told me I should shock my swimming pool once a week, so I keep showing it my senior picture.
*Midwesterners validating weather*
-20 out: “it wouldn’t be that cold without the wind”
99 degrees: “i’m only sweating because of the humidity”
20 degrees: “honestly if ya stand in the sun it’s not that bad”
47 degrees: driving with the windows down bc it’s finally “nice out”
Doing taxes in the 90s:
Clippy pops up
“I see you’re trying to scam the tax system. Would you like help?”
*plane starts to crash*
Don’t worry, Jesus is my co-pilot
*looks over to see Jesus jumping out with the only parachute*
Well hell
me: oh boy I stained your shirt don’t kill me
murderer: haha yeah that would be an overreaction
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i drink my cologne first and then spit it all over myself?
HER: i mean what else would it be
my neighbor’s freakishly loud emu kept peeking in my window while i was trying to order an 8 ft, 132 lb chocolate sack ($500)
Sorry I’m late, I was untangling my AirPods.
i eat one snickers a day to build up immunity in case someone tried to kill me with snickers
Joggers are going to be really pissed if it turns out we only get a certain amount of steps in life.
I wanna look like a snack this summer but I keep eating them
can I use a minion as a tampon
if u hurt ur leg u can use the frozen veggies at whole foods as ice packs 4 free. hold on im getting an update from the manager. no u cannot