I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
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[first day as a detective] I can’t remember where I parked my car
Come here you little vixen and let me take off your top.
-me to my beer.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I live in Canada. So, free health care.
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by saying they look tired.
when I was 8 i stayed for dinner at a friend’s house and at dinner his Mom asked how everyone’s day was and his Dad said ‘A corpse exploded in the van again, got some in Gary’s hair too.’ His Dad was a Funeral Director and i was not allowed to have dinner there anymore.
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh, guess who’s awoken the tickle monster?
“my intrusive thoughts won” all u did was eat a donut?? that’s not an intrusive thought. if my intrusive thoughts won i’d be on the news.
If I say “Good point. Thank you.” to your inane, mind-numbing reply, I’ve already hired a hitman who can’t be traced back to myself.
Your neck. There’s an axe for that.
Why didn’t Dorothy tell the Cowardly Lion about liquid courage?
Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.
I’m not sure what my wife thinks I do in the bathroom, but I appreciate all her support
Professional cuddlers probably aren’t going to advertise on Craigslist.
I know this now.
*Walks away with a scar on my back and a missing kidney*
me: [breaks long awkward silence] “so what do you do for a living?”
taxi driver: [just looks at me]
[6 ½ hour car ride]
Me: I’m so sick of sitting I can’t sit anymore.
Also Me: *gets home and immediately sits on couch*
Reasons trains are delayed/cancelled in Britain:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Doubtful platform
– Cynical breeze
– Wobbly signal
– Inclement vibe
– Sarcastic swan
inside you there are two rabbits. now there are 3. 4… 5! Oh dear God..
As I told my 4 year old it was bed time she turned herself into a sloth and started walking really slow. So yes kids test your patience.
me: [on phone] I need a doctor’s appointment
receptionist: it’s going to be at least a month
me: ok I’ll hold
[drinking third bottle of smart water] when does this kick in
[In the car]
4 year-old: What’s this song called?
Me: “Don’t Speak.”
[10 minutes of silence later]
Me: You alright buddy?
4: Yeah you said don’t speak.
Guys, I did it. I found the Holy Grail of parenting.
I’m having one of those days where I feel like the single soggy onion ring that somehow made it into an order of french fries.
I Googled “Books for women in their 30s.” One of the results said “Books for women late in life.” I’m in my 30s, not moving to a retirement home.
if the aliens landed today I would be like 5% surprised
I scroll twitter wen I use the bathroom at nite bc I’m afraid of the dark, n that way I feel like all my mutuals r peeing w/ me
This wombat looked more fun in the catalogue.
college is weird bc you have to approach some profs like “dr. [redacted] i am begging on my knees for you to excuse my absence on this date like the pitiful worm i am” and others you can just email like “mary this piece of shit skunk won’t get off my porch. i’m staying home”
I love October. When else do say things like I’ll take a caramel apple & one ticket to be chased through a farmhouse with a butcher knife please.
Wife: WHY are the boys wearing fishnet stockings?
Me: You SAID they needed to learn how to Cher.
Yes, the 5:00 whistle! I’m so excited I’m going to yell a catchphrase of some sort and slide right down the tail of an unidentified dinosaur on my way to clock out!