I don’t cook, I more so… Dabble in the kitchen 😏
– me flirting
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Put granola in your yogurt, because who doesn’t like eating tiny rocks on purpose?
*wears a clown mask hitchhiking*
Why’s nobody stopping, everyone loves clowns, right?
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
I wish I had the confidence of my 10 yr old who told me I was “driving all wrong” seconds after she asked for help getting gum out of her hair
Me: hope ur soccer team wins the great fork
American: What
Me: the good plate
American: the super bowl
Me: i knew it was a kitchen something
[Crazed robot bursts into my room and sees my Rage Against the Machine poster]
Me: IT’S NOT WHAT YOU THINK!!!
“This is so relaxing, better than going out”, she thought as she did her own pedicure balanced on one leg like a flamingo.
The chickens in my neighbor’s coop collectively scuttle away from me. They know. They know what I’ve done.
Anyone who expects to feel safe in a driverless car has never owned a printer.
[my husband who is a bodybuilder divorcing me]
Me: *explaining to lawyer* I misunderstood cheat day.
I keep sending TikTok clips to 18 and she keeps ignoring them. Girl do you know how many handstands you made me watch in the pool? You owe me.
Just right now my only wish is for everyone to go to bed so I can eat my secret second dinner.
DeBeers ad: *Close up of eyes tearing up then a block of parmesan reggiano – man gets down on one knee*
This year, let them know it’s forever with an investment of 3 months salary in cheese.
If you breed Catdog with a catfish, you have a 25% chance of getting a pure cat.
My superpower is convincing my family I spent all day cleaning by lighting a few candles
How did my operation go Doc?
Dr ;
What?
Dr ;
Omg I’ve only got half a colon?
“I’m down for whatever,” I say, before falling asleep.
daughter: and this one?
me: also carrots
daughter: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 3 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
HERE’S MARKY
The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and my name is Dracula
Welcome to your fifties…
AT 10PM WE SLEEP
AT DAWN WE PEE
[speed dating]
Him: have you ever been married?
Me: just once… we had a beautiful ceremony in my parents yard with all my Barbie dolls in attendance but an hour later he went back to live with his mom
Him: lol aww you were 5?
Me: don’t be ridiculous *sips drink* I was 30
Friend: Man, it’s hot. Thank god for AC, right?
Me: I don’t have air conditioning.
Friend: How do you stay cool?
Me: *Slips on sunglasses & leather jacket; vapes; engages Heelys and rolls away*
Friend: Holy shit.
When someone tries to shush me by handing me a donut, I feel so conflicted.
You dance like nobody is watching. I eat like that.
my son needs help with his math project so i did what any good parent would do. i slipped out the back door and started a new life in costa rica
WIFE: Can I get your wallet from your back pocket?
ME: [current world hula champion] You can try
Someone just gave the agenda for the “third half” of our meeting. Guessing it won’t involve fractions.
“I’m just playing Powerball for fun. I don’t expect to win”.
-me as I slowly pull out my dark magic spell book
My mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words.