Thanks to my wife, I now know a car can go 21,462 miles without an oil change before something horrible happens.
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Having kids means you’ll have a lot of interrupted conversa–
someone just dropped a glass at the hotel breakfast and three different people shouted “buddy!” at the same time. this city rules lol
My spirit animal just ran into a glass door.
I wanted to go see the Queen reunion concert but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
A super villain who foils all your plots, but your plots are just lasagnas and he makes them cook super unevenly.
12
The number of times you can use the word moist while ordering pizza before they refuse to send the delivery guy to your house
you can run but you can’t hide
*explaining the difference between tag and hide and seek*
I refused to buy my 5yo a tablet, and now she’s resorted to hand-drawing angry emojis on pieces of paper to express her frustration.
I am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. i will show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me ever again
You don’t scare me, you’re not a group of middle schoolers I have to walk past
are they though??
I cleaned the house last month and it’s already dirty again. Life is SO unfair.
If you’re not part of the solution, you must be on Twitter
Relationship status: The pizza is late and I’m worried
Me: I took two naps today and was just falling asleep again.
Him: I can think of something to wake you up. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me: Is it food?
[working at a candle factory, day four]
ME: we’re all gonna have another meltdown amirite wait where is everyone going
My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies
If you play connect the dots with the back acne of a bodybuilder, you get a realistic portrait of Arnold Schwarzenegger
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood!
Me, a waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Dracula: *sighing* I guess.
ME: Help! Boa constrictor!
BOA: Actually, I’m a python.
ME: Help! Boa contradictor!
Me: it’s better to give than to receive.
Daughter: what about my enemies?
Me: d-do you have any enemies?
Daughter: not anymore.
Me: what does that mean?
Daughter:
Me: you’re only two! what does that mean?
Kids: Thanksgiving is boring.
Me: Maybe grandma will trip over the dog again.
Kids: YAY!
My boss: *flicks ash off cigarette* So I says to her, I says “Relax, babe, I only objectify hot chicks. You’re safe” lol
HR: *scribbling furiously* Slow down, I don’t want to miss any- AARGH! HAND CRAMP!
A mosquito fell into my beer five minutes ago and now he’s naked and calling his ex-girlfriends and drinking my beer
‘My neighbour just told me coyotes kept eating his outdoor cats, so I asked how many cats have you had and he said he just goes to the shelter afterwards to get a new cat. So I said it just sounds like you’re feeding shelter cats to coyotes. And then his daughter started crying’
As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it’s a good thing I never had kids.
Or did I?
My Family: Show us on the doll where you…where you touched yourself.
*I slowly point to the doll’s face, everyone erupts in sobs and wailing*
Wanna feel old? Subtract your birth year from the current year.
Her: We had the baby! She is 7lbs 3oz, born at 9:08am. We’ll be naming her tomorrow.
Me: Tomorrow is a terrible name for a baby, tbh.
friend: what day is it today
me: it’s mar 10
friend: like mario!
me: itsa mar 10