Hey, Christianity- what’s all the fuss about a virgin anyway? I could be a virgin if I wanted to. But I don’t. Because sex. Also? More sex.
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May just keep repeating the phrase “YOU DO YOU” to my coworkers until one of them sucker punches me.
*first date*
Her: I’m a bit of a night owl
Me: Surely as most owls are nocturnal then it’s just an owl
H: Well, aren’t you a hoot
“I was about to sleep but just saw ice cream in the freezer”, an autobiography.
Let me sing you the song of my people at 3-4 am.
-my cat.
Magic words that make my children disappear:
3) Bath time
2) Who did this?!
1) When I was your age…
My first words were, “spank me daddy” because my parents accidentally set up the baby monitors backwards.
You legally aren’t married until someone says, “haha but seriously” in their wedding speech.
family fistfights brought to you by Monopoly
WIFE: how’s dinner
ME: these mashed potatoes are dank
WIFE: is that bad or good
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: I don’t know
“have you heard about the Nu covid variant”
“no, what’s it called?”
“the Nu variant”
“yeah what’s it called”
“no, it’s literally spelled N U, Nu”
“haha wow, who named it that?”
“yes”
So we’re agreed: if that balloon flies over any of us, we moon it like it’s 1978
I am a gravy boat captain
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
Sometimes as a woman all i want is for a man to grab me, throw me into bed and then clean my house while i sleep
I gave my cat a middle name today, so she knows when she is really in trouble.
Dentist: Don’t eat or drink for…
Me: *already eating a snack before she finishes her sentence*
*a tear runs down my cheek*
someone ripped my self portrait
*a tear runs down my cheek*
9: *talks about Minecraft*
Me: *hears white noise* cool
9: *eyes narrow* which part was the coolest
Me: *eyes narrow* the part…
9:
Me: …with the…
9:
Me: *sweating*…ender dragon
9:
Me:
9: cool
Me: cool
When no one stars a tweet, I tell myself it was probably appreciated by hundreds of shy people.
ohhhhhh today’s Friday the 13th, that explains the last two years
“My dream is to create something that both dogs and fraternity brothers will enjoy chasing with equal vigor.” — inventor of the frisbee
Whiskey, tango, french fry…?
Yeah, I think that’s right.
Her: I want a man who will carry me to the bedroom
Me: I gotchu babe *Gives piggyback*
A great tip. #CakeRex
HERE’S MARKY
It’s true. Parents that use drugs, have kids that use drugs. So, there’s an important lesson here…
Don’t have kids.
MOM: sleep tight, don’t let the bedbugs bite 🙂
KID: ok[later]
BEDBUG: arrgh I can’t bite him
OTHER BEDBUG: curses, he is sleeping too tightly
ME: [Consoling my friend, whose dog has been missing for 3 weeks] It’s ok, I’m taking good care of her.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
There are two types of people, those who can’t keep a secret and those who can keep a secret for like five minutes
Am I supposed to know my own blood type? I don’t even know what types of blood there are