I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream. This kid working at Baskin Robbins is pretty scared. Now he’s crying in the corner.
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My toddler is so unbelievably pumped for her birthday, she talks about it multiple times a day. Unfortunately, it’s still six months away. Please send help.
“Michael just bought a popcorn popper. You know what he probably wants to buy next? *Another* popcorn popper.”
-Amazon suggestions logic
KFC hitting the cannibal market
not to brag but i finished this 14 day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes.
Of course I wear a mask. It came with the white van.
Still waiting for the day I can illegally download groceries
*rushing into work*
sorry i’m late. one of my apostles betrayed me last night
My parents encouraged our interest in the performing arts by telling my sister and me to act like we had some sense when we were in public.
New research in early toy-purchase psychology has found that the majority of parents subconsciously hope their children become xylophonists.
Barista: How do you take your coffee?
Me: Seriously. Very seriously.
If I get to Heaven the first thing I’m going to ask God is if I should have tipped on carryout orders or not
Mulder: we’re trapped with ghosts in the stomach of a metal worm.
Scully: those are just people, Mulder. We’re on a train.
It never felt more springy than that time I got drunk and slept on my neighbours trampoline.
– You got so drunk last night, you were dancing on the table in your underwear!!
– Me? In my underwear? You must have left early.
i’ve found my new favorite subculture
In an effort to demonstrate how pointless internet debates are, please prove to me that snow is real
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
Your sex life as a parent basically becomes “Fifty Shades of Pray Those Kids Stay Asleep.”
some days i’m on top of this parenting game. other days I buy 2 bags of donuts and throw them and the kids outside.
Cannibals are so full of themselves and other people
About halfway through my wife’s lecture on how dangerous cutting my own hair was I chopped off my own ears. I’ll never hear the end of it now.
I feel so bad for my cat, he’s sitting by the door crying out for this cat and her baby (that are on the opposite side) The same cat I caught him with the night he snuck out, but sweetheart you have been neutered for a year+ she is lying, that is not your baby
Anyone know how soon I should start roasting our Christmas turkey so I can be sure it will be nice and dry enough in time for the big day?
WIFE: I’m pregnant
ME: oh god no
WIFE: I’m kidding
ME: I heard you the first time
*Text alert*
Freddy Krueger: “Hey you up?”
Me: “Yup”
Freddie Krueger: “Damn.😢”
*casually walks into a crowded Sushi Restaurant wearing a dolphin costume* *suddenly stops, looks horrified, & backs slowly out the door*
Chestnut implies the existence of legnut, armnut, necknut and the much anticipated buttnut.
Unless you are literally the Dark Lord Voldemort then a snake is just not an acceptable pet dude
“if I am joking you would be laughing, do you look like you are laughing? “
I don’t always sleep well, but when I do, it’s 5mins before the alarm goes off