My seven year old reported to me today that the tooth fairy wasn’t paying him a fair wage compared to his peers and claimed that all his friends earn a liveable wage from tooth loss
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I had my demons exercised and they became quite large and intimidating demons, so I guess spelling is nine tenths of the law of possession.
I packed workout clothes and nutritious snacks for a vacation and my suitcase can’t stop laughing
If you like more than one type of pasta does that make you bilinguini?
Friend: Where do you get your sense of humor?
Me: My dad. But don’t say that to him.
F: Why not?
Me: He gets really mad.
I like to say I don’t hold on to anger but I’m also still pissed at that chick that came to my bat mitzvah and then didn’t invite me to hers.
“This is beyond the scope of the project” —me after I haven’t understood how to do something
Nothing is creepier than watching someone hula hoop with a serious look on their face.
[shows up 2 hours late for interview]
Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.
My local police department must really love me.
They’ve devoted an entire facebook post about me, and described me as ‘outstanding’.
“The Walking Dad,” but it’s just a guy walking around the house turning off lights and muttering that he’s “not made of money”
I just made way too much pasta, so if you haven’t eaten dinner yet, swing by and watch me eat way too much pasta.
Them: What are you wearing?
Me: A T-shirt depicting a cat dressed up as a cowboy riding a shark that’s shooting lasers through the sky. Oh and cat. There’s enough cat hair on me to be wearing at least 1 actual cat.
If there’s anything Urban Dictionary has taught me it’s that I shouldn’t be so curious at times.
If I could be any animal I’d pick a turtle, strictly for the chance, however slight, I could be turned into a ninja.
Me: welcome to my she shed
Gynecologist: please don’t call it that
I’d be so pissed if my coworker left for American Idol and I had to cover for them plus act happy.
My favorite part of a date is the sweet, seedy flesh. Wait, sorry, that’s my favorite part of a fig, I always get figs and dates mixed up.
I don’t let my husband pick up the groceries right now because I’m worried he’ll taste freedom and never come back.
My friend told his gf he’s giving up valentines day for lent… I know what’s coming so I told him that i’m giving up letting friends sleep on my couch
4: mom, [6] said if I eat my broccoli he’ll give me a prize, will you give me a prize too?
me: well, being healthy and strong is a good prize
4: no
Sign says World’s Largest Ravioli. “Where’s the filling?” people ask exploring its vast interior. The sound of boiling water grows to a roar
put my earbuds in so i wouldn’t have to talk with the man next to me on the plane and he asked if he could “borrow one so we could listen together”
I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.
Put granola in your yogurt, because who doesn’t like eating tiny rocks on purpose?
Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.
Raccoons wearing tiny little glasses, digging through trash and carefully reading nutritional information of any food items they find.
You are what you eat? I’m about to become sandals
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: Okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
IT’S NOT A PHASE, DAD