Nothing more awkward than not calling a girl back after a one night stand and then running into her at your family reunion.
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Hub: Did you eat all the nachos?
Me: Noooo. I had one nacho.
Hub: because they were stuck together?
Me: LIKE I SAID, ONE NACHO!
I’m not gaining weight, I’m “retaining candy.”
I tried a little tenderness and now I’m trying blunt force trauma.
me: how much gas do i have?
car: empty.
me: ok but HOW empty?
The true crime urge to leave clear fingerprints everywhere you go, just in case
If you scream at the library, everyone gives you funny looks.
If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.
Me: You’re adopted
Ted: What? How long have I been a dop
Where did Scar’s accent come from. Did he study abroad
Life is as good or as bad as you make it. Take responsibility for your choices, including how you feel about a situation. And breathe.
I just wish I had someone who wanted to touch me as much as my shower curtain does.
Wife text from work on Easter. “Happy Easter” quick reply as joke “I’m going to grind on you so hard” opens text.Was group family text.truth
Everything sounds good when you’re not listening.
My love language is Latin. It’s dead.
(after first date)
*Hey, can you recommend any of your friends.
HR asked me to justify my position but I really couldn’t explain why I was just standing there.
[Watching boxing]
Sure bro, I watch boxing all the ti- HEY DID YOU SEE WHAT HE JUST DID?! HE JUST PUNCHED THAT GUY! SOMEONE CALL THE COPS!
Fly me to the ouch
Let me play among the ouch
Let me see what ouch is ouch
On ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch.– Frank Piñata
Should I be annoyed or smug that I continually show up in the LinkedIn recruiter search of the company that laid me off
I like how your options for buying furniture are either $800 for a nightstand or $100 for a nightstand but you must devote a day of your life to building it from scratch with wordless instructions like you have committed a crime in an ancient Greek myth & this is your punishment
Apparently even if you delete the drunk text messages you sent last night from your phone, the other person can still see them.
My dog will literally sneeze in my face, but if I dare sneeze in the same room as him, he looks at me like I’ve offended him and 4 generations of his ancestors
Laundry Day
Me: Tell me about this lipstick on your shirt.
Him: Babe, I can explain!
Me: Don’t care. Just ask her the brand and shade name.
If you love something set it on fire. If it doesn’t die, you have a dragon.
[Calling doctor’s office]
Lady: When is your child’s birthday?
Me: *panic* click
Her: make this delicious snack in just five easy steps
Me, opening a chip bag in one easy step: no
my husband has been taking sailing lessons and instead of putting it on our calendar like a normal person he prefers to stand up abruptly, stare out the window, and proclaim “I must go to the sea!”
you shouldn’t drink white wine with fish because they can’t hold the glass in their little fins
I miss the days where someone would tell us shit like “Mick Jagger is Kesha’s dad” and we’d all just believe it for months because it didn’t matter if it was true or not
Guy wearing Superman t-shirt. LOL. Way to blow your identity idiot.
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?