I’ve worked at my job for 7 years & my boss still hasn’t noticed that I only give Magic 8-Ball responses to all of his questions.
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Where’s my cell?
“Right there.”
That’s not my phone.
“Yes it is. I cleaned it!”
My cell’s white?
I was not prepared for the back-to-school chaos this morning. “GRAB YOUR LUNCHES AND GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!” was something I said. Along with, “Have a great first day sweethearts! I will miss you so much!” Being one of my kids must be so confusing. Mommy loves you but please go.
Sawing a hole under the bottom of a table to steal a cooked ham is way harder than it looks like in cartoons.
My 3yo told me he was going to clean up the mess by punching it and I was like, “Dude, I’ve tried and it doesn’t work.”
Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.
dracula: you gotta stop
me: [after turning another vegan into a vampire] lmao but they get SO mad
can’t stop reading about defunct consumer brands
[listening to twenty one pilots]
ME: ok ok one at a time
girls please stop wearing Harley Davidson shirts if you don’t listen to his music
[First date]
Date: so you’re profile said you’re a big Taylor Swift fan. You must like her a lot.
Me (74 feet tall): I like her a moderate amount
Mommy, what are these?
“Put them back they are sleeping pills!”
Oh, then you shouldn’t yell
“Why?”
[whispering] YOU’LL WAKE THEM UP
My dad lied a lot. I was 17 before I realized the ‘Silver Table Cat’ wasn’t a real species, and that we didn’t own a pet, we owned a toaster
Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise… Turns out it was just a Pitbull song on the radio.
Home Depot is having their “ultimate tool event” in case anyone wants to buy my cousin Tyler.
*tries to mount a horse*
Horse: “I have a boyfriend.”
i love when they put tiny pieces of plastic grass in my grocery store sushi to simulate its natural habitat before i eat it
Me: Hurry up! If mommy is late to work then I get fired then we don’t have money to pay the rent and then we’re homeless.
[Later]
6yo: [sees homeless guy] Looks like that guy was late to work.
Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled
“New Year, New Me” gets easier every year cause I keep setting the bar lower and lower
Mom just reminded me of the time I got in trouble at church for purposefully and repeatedly pronouncing the “Ch” sound in Christ and pretending that I hadn’t heard the correct pronunciation before.
turtle after a first date: want to walk me home well this is me
Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read
The optometrist sees the one eyed man’s glasses as half-full. The pessometrist sees them as half-empty.
“We’ll call you” – OH NO
“You call us” – OH NO
I replaced my old flat pillow that hurt my neck with a new fat fluffy pillow that hurts my neck.
When someone says they love me to the moon and back, I tell them that’s only about 500,000 miles and I expect more tbh.
Bad Cop: The proof is in the pudding.
Good Cop: Stop putting all our evidence in pudding. Why do you keep putting our evidence in pudding?
“I hope this email finds you—“ STOP FINDING MEEEEE