It’s a day for learning unwanted facts.
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I call this meeting of the Passive Aggressive Society to order.
*Person at the back* Oh, now we start!
Do I consider myself to be mentally stable? Buddy, I don’t even have a horse…
[Arby’s]
BRO [jumping into car]: GO
ME: it’s lunch, not a bank heist
B: they put EXTRA CURLY FRIES in the bag
M: OMG I’m too pretty for jail
Me to my 10 yo: Why is your Roblox character so little? You look like a baby.
Her: Other people in the game think I’m cute so they pick me up and take me to their house then I rob them and run away.
Me:
I could EASILY beat the Predator in a rap battle cuz what’s he gonna do? Click at me? Ok loser
Dear dads, you don’t actually have to wear athletic clothing to your kids’ games. You’re literally just going be be sitting.
The Job Interview:
HR: So you are bilingual?
Me: Si
HR: In your native tongue please.
Me: Ooga Booga
*checks Groupon for deals on exorcisms*
In an effort to keep the employees motivated and increase morale, my boss has asked me to stop talking to everyone.
[reading message i found in a bottle that drifted onto the beach]
to myself: “updog.. what’s updog?”
[another bottle hits my foot]
Wearing my lesbian boots today. Well, they’re faux lesbian. I don’t believe in using lesbians for leather, even if they’re farm-raised.
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
May you never experience disappointment like that of finding unmelted cheese on the second layer of nachos
[watching basketball highlights] These guys never miss
Me: sorry I can’t go to the farmer’s market with you. Allergies.
Friend: pollen?
Me: hipsters.
why am i having trouble navigating this map??
When people start a sentence with “believe it or not” I’m like wow, those are two very good options
Obama: The Galaxy Note 7 wasn’t recalled because it was too secure.
Biden: Just let him enjoy my gift, Barack.
Your password must contain a character still living in Game of Thrones
******
Password expired
******
Password expired
******
Password ex…
when hoodie season starts don’t ask me if i’m wearing anything under because this is what imma do
ME: Man, I really should get glasses. I’m blind as a–
BAT NEXT TO ME: blind as a what
ME: um
BAT: as a what
ME:
BAT: say it
People with good posture are so reckless. Why are you sticking your head into the sky with all the crows and frisbees? Come back down here where it’s safe.
Forget teleportation or invisibility. If I could have any superpower it would be the ability to attain the perfect salsa to chip ratio every time.
Me: Hey, wanna feel really old?
Friend: Yeah?
Grandma: Stop telling people to poke me you little shit!
Went to scout a park for my son’s birthday and found out a thing people hate is a guy by himself taking pictures of a park.
My 2yo was running an ice cream parlor out of his bedroom. I ordered chocolate but he insisted I get strawberry. After I paid he snatched the ice cream back and then ate it, not once breaking eye contact.
He’s going to be a terrible business owner.
But an incredible mob boss.
*job interview*
“Youre 30? Why haven’t you accomplished your life goals?”
“Tbh I thought the Mayan apocalypse was real. No plan past that.”
Him: Hey
Me: *flashes box of super tampons*
[baby finally falls asleep]
ME: *tip toes to couch* I can finally relax
DOG: I’M GONNA BARK FOR NO REASON
friend: you’re saying a huge alien lifted you onto his ship, examined you, and sent you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying