BOSS: do you know why I called you today?
ME: because I work on Thursdays?
BOSS: no it’s because- wait what no you work every day
ME: wow you should call more
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Has anyone tried changing 2020 from dark mode back to light mode?
I was watching a murder show set in Idaho and realized I had never been to Idaho and it looked so gorgeous so I said I would like to visit Idaho.
Husband, “You are by far the weirdest woman I have ever met.”
doctor: where does it hurt
me: everywhere
doctor: where specifically
me: well right now, in your office
kids have such bloody amazing imaginations, and yet when it comes to naming things they’re like this is elfie, my elf
[David Attenborough voice]
And here we see JC in her natural habitat. Watch as she circles the donut case, bystanders completely unaware of her imminent attack.
Moaning “Oh God” on a Sunday morning is the closest I’ll get to church
Unsuspecting male: So what kind of restaurants do you like?
Me: Open ones.
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.
Me: *wearing my Burger King crown
Passport photographer: No
[first day as doctor]
me: you haven’t been getting enough sleep
patient: how can you tell?
me: *tapping x-ray* no spiders
my friend is guilting me for watching the funny ad youtube put before “how to do the heimlich maneuver” while he was choking
Sorry I chased you three city blocks but I wanted to meet your dog
My MIL is savage. She got into an argument with her husband while we were staying at their house, and when I posted photos of our weekend with them, she liked each of my photos except the one he was in.
The best part of an argument is the make up sex…unless you’re fighting with your brother.
i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat
Dear autocorrect,
I’ve never had a “hard duck” in my life.
Quit your shit.
Modest Mouse: Float On
Arrogant Mouse: Gloat On
I love my in laws but sometimes it’s hard with the language barrier, like today they said they were taking the kids all day and I thought they meant they were taking the kids all day
Friend: Actually I met my partner on Twitter!
Me: I’m so sorry. Here if you need to talk ❤️
Friend: …no? It’s a good thing?
Me: *hand on their shoulder* Sure it is buddy
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
Them: *typing professionally on their computer*
Me: *pretending I’m Beethoven, while typing supercalifragilisticexpialidocious*
There’s a bag of Hersey’s chocolate in the kitchen.
I’ve been smothering myself with kisses.
There are two kinds of people here
1. Those who tried deleting another person’s tweet or reply.
2. Liars
I have taken 37 steps since March 16th. Call me for your fitness needs.
[Christopher Columbus arriving in Hell]
Columbus: I’m the first person here! I discovered this!
My 5 year old son just asked “what if we put a slice of turkey in the DVD player and it played a movie about the turkey’s whole life” and none of the parenting books I’ve read have prepared me for this question.
“Oh, hello! I didn’t see you there” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you.
Someone said I was racist because I misspelled pico de gallo. It’s like they don’t even know I misspell English words also…