[lightning strike super close to our house]
5-year-old: Missed me.
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I’m a really friendly person unless you try and make small talk with me
Kid: Would you rather be invisible or be able to fly?
Me: Be invisible.
Kid: To fight bad guys, right?
Me, imagining breaking into a cheese shop and eating all the cheese: Totally.
Ghost: they can’t kill us
Wife: that’s what u said last time
So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.
Finally got the mustache thick enough where other mustache guys are giving me the mustache-comradery nod. Absolutely crushed it at Home Depot today. Neck sore from nodding.
Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Snickers.
My husband gets so cranky when I come home from the pool with only a fraction of the kids I left with
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
I was dissapointed when I called a taxidermist and he pulled up in a regular car.
The 5 signs of laziness
1.
“Daddy?”
“Yes?”
“What are you doing?”
“Writing a fictional conversation so I can post it on Twitter.”
Nobody has ever been more surprised than a husband hearing about his wife’s plans for the second time.
Stranger at public charging station: Did you just unplug my phone?
Me: Yours is at 40 percent and mine is at 5 percent. I invoked triage rules.
“Doctor: Put the IV in.
Nurse: The 4 what?”
– chronic problem in Roman emergency rooms
This whole year with my family has given me whatever the opposite of Stockholm Syndrome is.
Apostrophes are important.
“I fed the dog”
“I f’ed the dog”
Learn this simple rule. Your friendship with Sarah McLachlan depends on it.
The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night
People will be like “there is no right or wrong way to do it” until you do it the wrong way.
Don’t listen to the haters, all mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
Her: Put your finger on it!
Me: Like this?
Her: Oh yeah, I can finish now!
-Making the perfect bow
Hate when Walmart doesn’t have what I need & I have to go home, change out of my pajamas & brush my hair so I can go to Target
Wanna hear a joke?
Sleep.
I know, I don’t get it either.
Johnny Depp always looks like he is just as confused by his “accent”
You mean ‘idiosyncrasies’ doesn’t mean two or more idiots doing the same thing at the same time?
Want his attention?
Send nudes
Want to piss him off?
When he responds,
reply “Oops, wrong person”
Men and women CAN be just friends. But only if one of them is ugly.
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
Until public restrooms have automatic doors, the automatic sinks, soap and paper towel dispenser will make no sense to me.
ME: you told me to put my hands where you can see them
COP: yes but please don’t cup my face