*puts tiny glases on my pet owl*
*puts tiny lab coat on my pet owl*
*puts tiny stethoscope on my pet owl*
ha ha doctor who
You Might Also Like
[Luxury hotel planning meeting]
Fluffy pillows?
Absolutely.Soft towels?
Definitely.Quality toilet paper?
Sandpaper is fine.
Hurry everyone! While Canada is getting baked out of their mind today, I think we can rush in and take all the maple syrup and free health care we can carry.
Oh Twitter is still here? Thank God, I have about 100 holiday puns saved in my drafts.
I’m about to make it rein, deer.
(Please don’t block me.)
Why are books the only thing advertised as “Wherever books are sold.” You can’t sell other stuff by saying “Wherever you get this shit, IDK”
I gave her the red cup
Instead of the green
She threw her hands up
Proceeded to scream
I countered with reason
“I’ll fix this for you
Don’t start at a ten
When it’s barely a two”
She narrowed her eyes
Considered me swiftly
Ignored all my reason
And took it to fifty
AIR STEWARDESS [looks at ticket] just down that way
ME: You mean down the long thin tube with one walkway
A.S: Yes
ME: I’d be lost without u
If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.
if the aliens landed today I would be like 5% surprised
My car was vandalized by a peacock. I wish I was making this up.
Got my twins a bunk bed so now I can worry about two kids falling at once.
Stealing pillows is not as easy as I thought…
“STOP FRISKING ME
I’M JUST FLUFFY BONED!”
{speed dating}
Me: What handbags can you afford?
There was a time you couldn’t drive a computer if you didn’t have a driving license…
Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime; teach a man to catfish and he can trick some perv in Omaha into sending him rent money.
[Horsemen tryouts]
APOCALYPSE: I like u guys but I only need 4
*Death, War, Famine, Conquest & Steve look at each other*
STEVE: dang it
Lockdown upside: I have learned how to operate the 17 remote controls for the tv.
At my funeral there will be cake so people aren’t disappointed like me at this cake-less funeral
Every time I go to Baskin-Robbins their hamburger machine is broken.
If using your 4yo as a remote control to fetch things makes you a bad parent, then I’m a bad parent…
A bad parent with an ice cold beer.
Sex Ed should require them to listen to a crying baby for 5 hours, and to watch the same episode of a cartoon over and over again.
My uncle married a woman from Tokyo and they just had a daughter.
She’s my Japaniece..
There’s just something about my posture after sitting in front of a computer for hours, a certain je ne sais quasimodo
I was fired from the zoo for exploding the budget, but I still think the giraffes look pretty great in those turtleneck sweaters.
My favorite thing about babies is that none of them are mine.
What separates the men from the boys is knowing that women love it when they show off their big throbbing manners and intelligence.
Thousands of Amazon customers take the time each year to post “haven’t tried it yet” as a review — so no, I don’t overly concern myself with the opinions of internet strangers.
me hitting on a model
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
Four men having a little fun at an airport 😀
“Put your pants on grandma, you’re scaring the reptiles!”
– Me, camping