Cow it started Cow it’s going
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It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible
I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs
Just as the prophecy foretold
Taught a parrot to repeatedly say “WHERE ARE YOUR GLOVES?” and now I don’t have to talk to my kids until Spring so that’s pretty cool.
*helping son with math problem*
[hour later]
JUST WRITE 75 GODDAMMIT!
When you go out with a couple on the brink of divorce.
A fun way to make things uncomfortable at work is to buy a box of donuts for everyone but keep them on your lap.
Long story short don’t use sewing scissors to trim your nose hair if you’re drunk
Big decision to make? Sleep on it. Have a nightmare. Then you’ll be operating on pure adrenaline and choose more quickly.
It’s a new year and a new me. I’d like to buy you all a drink. Waitress! One small Coke and 10,000 straws.
Die Hard (1988) A shoeless New Yorker murders a bunch of people at his wife’s office Christmas party.
Directions: Allow food to sit for five minutes before consuming.
Me: No.
Been watching Dateline for years and still haven’t met anyone.
anyone else like Italian cereal
Your dating profile said you were a night owl…..eat this mouse.
A Hallmark Movie where the woman discovers the true meaning of love while eating chicken wings alone in a booth at Buffalo Wild Wings
I left a note for my kids this morning to put my clothes in the dryer. Next time, I’ll have to be a little more specific and add START THE DRYER TOO!!!
Dog park man handed me an ice cream and I must’ve looked a bit too excited because he felt the need to clarify it was for the pup not me
It’s world hepatitis day. Spread it around.
hot panini’s mom is pissed, you guys.
Put your family down and pay attention to your phone.
Her: I like dogs
Me: *dies in 10-13 years*
[inventor of teapot]
“I want this water to scream”
Three seasons into Game of Thrones, and I still can’t figure out why all the characters are named after psychiatric meds.
Sorry I use grammar, punctuation and complete sentences. I was raised in a wealthy home where we wasted characters without a second thought.
HIM: Do you have raisins?
ME: I have grapes and patience.
I think someone broke into my apartment and took a bag of almonds.
Me: has anyone ever told you how much we appreciate you around here
Coworker: (blushing) um, no
Me: did you ever wonder why that is
Co-worker playfully snapped my suspenders and now everyone in the office knows my safe word.
Me: I got my first TOTD! It’s exciting!
Him: What’s that?
M: um, well, it’s an imaginary trophy…
H: well then I’m imaginary proud of you.