[being stopped by the cops]
Me: if they ask about a missing dolphin just play it cool
My new best friend: *clicky noises*
Me: okay okay *i toss him a fish to keep him quiet*
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I freely admit to snorting with laughter #piggate #pigfilms
Guy on SportsCenter just said Tiger Woods is “swinging a mean stick”, so look out, ladies. He’s back.
I’ve been married to my husband for 16 years and just learned he doesn’t like ice cream cones. What in the hell have we been talking about all this time?
Accidentally took an adderall instead of an anti-depressant now I’m SUPER focused on my depression.
I tried to explain Twitter to my Mom and she said, “Sounds like group therapy where no one ever gets better”.
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: I guess you could say I made a [turns to camera] grave mistake
All of my friends are getting married and loving their careers and then there’s me, luring wayward ships into the rocks with ethereal songs.
That moment when you get introduced to a dog that has your kid’s name.
My favorite thing about people singing happy birthday in a restaurant is when they stop.
Went for a run and now I have to find a way to trade my body in for scrap
Can I have your parents’ phone number? I really need to inquire how you came to be 45 and don’t know that the “$” goes BEFORE the numbers.
Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.
WIFE: I don’t like pre Christmas, mainly because I’m so bad at buying presents.
ME: You just put them on the counter and give the checkout person money, Sharon.
HER: I hate you.
Mechanic: Your car needs new brakes to pass inspection.
Me: Are you sure about that? *slides him a half used $10 Starbucks gift card*
“Pasta la veista, baby”
-Arnold Schwarzenoodles
Risking my life for fun.
*the night I met my spouse*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
*present day, as the kids binge YouTube*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
Variety is the spice of life, until it comes to shower controls.
A black James Bond? Wouldn’t work. He’d be pulled over every 15 minutes for driving an Aston Martin.
My friend reluctantly let her 10yo attend a birthday party before family pictures and asked that she do her best not to get muddy. She did not, however, specify that she shouldn’t get her face painted in camouflage. We’re all very excited for this year’s Christmas card.
Why do I have to steal the Death Star plans?
Nothing this big stays secret.
Just Google them.
There’s probably a torrent somewhere.
Sometimes I think I want a third kid, then I spend 45 minutes in a full pediatrician’s waiting room and my uterus tries to escape on it’s own.
ME: i miss my friends, today i will text them
MY BRAIN: it might be weird because you haven’t texted in so long
ME: you are right, i will wait a little longer to text them
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken- what
Me: what
My spouse is “attending” a virtual conference for the next few days. To help simulate the real thing, I’ll set out a picked-over tray of mini-muffins, soggy cut fruit, and some weak coffee, and then whisk them away just as he approaches the table.
[At astronomy convention]
For the last time, Bob. No one wants to see Uranus.
Person: Hi, my name is *my brain plays 3 seconds of air horn*
Me: I’m sorry, what was that?
Person: I’m *air horn*
Me: Again?
Person:
Wow I ordered too much food.
Here, you can have half of it.*5 minutes later*
Okay I’m gonna need that back
Guy on the plane threw a fit about sitting next to my Therapy Scorpion
Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination