Tyrannosaurus Clark Kent, unable to do shit because he can’t remove his glasses
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“Omelet you finish.”
– Kanyegg West
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
I don’t want to run into spiderwebs anymore. That’s it…. I’m done. You can keep the other 2 wishes.
Adding the word “farmhouse” to a table or piece of furniture allows you to charge $1000 for it.
*gets in huge line at the donut shop*
*taps foot*
*sweats*
*shakes*
*causally hums the Jaws theme until people get out of my way*
“The Last Voyage of the Demeter” is too long a title. Personally , I would have called it “Bitey Boat”.
This is the best tattoo I’ve ever seen in my whole life, no contest
My dress code is business-casualty.
My goal was to look good in a bikini this summer, but the call of the warm bread dipped in oil is stronger.
Happy 10th birthday to your dating profile pic.
[calculating calories]
Breakfast: 300
Lunch: 500
Dinner: 700
Snacking while preparing dinner: 8,374
If I was a waitress, I would plant fake engagement rings in every girls champagne glass, just to watch the boyfriends panic.
Reverse psychology – only it’s me swapping chairs when my therapist went to the bathroom.
I cry when I cut my carrots because I don’t want my onions to feel awkward.
Bagged lunch circa 1984
-sack of flour
-room temperature buttermilk
– note from mom saying “figure it out”
And bowling should be called pinball
Hi, I’d like to order a baby
“Excuse me?”
It says here you deliver babies?
“Sir this is a hospital”
[vampire quickly hangs up phone]
just got mad and flipped a table but it spun all the way around in landed right side up. everyone in Applebee’s is clapping
“Hey can you take our picture?”
ME: yea sure
*takes picture*
ME: wait sorry, The Flash was turned on
THE FLASH: *blushing in the background*
MUGGER: Empty your pockets!
ME: But these are cargo shorts.
(45 min later)
ME: That’s the left one
MUGGER: Seriously.
ME: I am SO sorry
Mom: If all your friends jumped off a cliff would you do it too?
Me:If all parents used that same metaphor would you use it too?
#slapped
[watching The Notebook]
Her: Noah wrote Allie a letter every day for a year
Me: I bet each one just said, Hey
‘we love the sea because it’s where we come from we fear it because we left so long ago’, I say suddenly, startling myself, and the waitress
Your password must include 5 minutes of interpretive dance, 15 excerpts from contemporary fiction and 1 word made up by Shakespeare.
Saw my wife watching the Food Network while I was making dinner, so I was like, “You can just watch me in the kitchen, no commercials!”
Doctor: *eyes wide*
Me: let me start by saying it seemed like a good idea at the time
*notice roommate’s tampon wrappers in bathroom garbage*
*hides all my chocolate*
crazy how 2000 years ago you could just stab your friend to death if his vibes were bad. Can’t do that today. There’d be a whole dateline about it
*At store buying school supplies*
Son: I need hashtag 2 pencils
Guys: I’m educated about female issues.
Also guys: why is there a mail box in the girls bathroom stall?
ME: You wouldn’t believe these sparklers I got!
SPOUSE: That’s dynamite!
ME: *waiving around the lit fuse* I know! It’s really cool!
SPOUSE: *already running*