ROMAN SOLDIER: Which one of you is Spartacus?
REBEL SLAVE 1: I’M SPARTACUS!
REBEL SLAVE 2: I’M SPARTACUS!
ME: I’m Scartapus! No, wait, I mean I’m Sta…I’m Spor… I’m Sharktopus! I’m–
ROMAN SOLDIER: Stop, we get it.
ME: Yeah, you get it. I’m that guy. *pointing at Spartacus*
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Hell hath no fury like a toddler who asked for oatmeal and you have the audacity to give them oatmeal.
Has anyone else noticed when time travelers grab you buy your shoulders and ask what year it is and you tell them, they don’t reply, “then I’m not too late” anymore?
That’s kind of worrying.
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Me: November.
Nothing’s more important than family, particularly if your kidneys are starting to fail.
– Are you upset?
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
– No.
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
Welcome to the stomach
My 3 year old, who doesn’t notice her pants are inside out or that her shoes are on the wrong feet, can spot a diced onion in her food from 3 feet away
If you had to choose between voting for Trump or getting into the water with sharks, would you dive in or do a cannon ball?
Toddlers LOVE to help. Then they get older and are actually able to help… Which is when they start to roll their eyes and complain.
“You don’t have to try on every outfit on sale, you know”, my mum, clearly not knowing how a sale works.
What’s the dumbest thing you ever got in trouble for at work? Let me start: I just got a “verbal warning” for the words, “let’s see how that works out.”
I wish people would stop asking me if I’m on Twitter, clearly I’m not.
‘Pizza toppings. Go.’
-Me, speed dating.
Deodorant? No, I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it to me, complete strangers sometimes
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
Thanks to Target’s full length 3 way mirrors, I’m now painfully aware I look like a melting candle from the back.
I sleep better naked, why cant the flight attendant understand that?
me: *eating spaghetti sandwich*
carb god: *rubbing biscuit hands together* goood goood
Oh my god don’t get heckled by British soccer fans. I didn’t even do anything and 150 of them just chanted my bank login and password back to me to the tune of Wonderwall. Are you kidding me
Me: I’m on the moth diet
Her: that’s not what ‘eating light’ means
Me: *coughing up moths* what?
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that made fun of me in high school
I love when parents have to repeat themselves to their kid and they rage enunciate the second time:
dad: do you want a ham sandwich or turkey and cheese?
kid: what
dad: do👏you👏want👏a👏ham👏sandwich👏or👏turkey👏and👏cheese
*gets waitress’s phone number*
*texts her before meal is over*
“Napkins????”
midwife: “congratulations keith, you have a baby boy, he’s exactly 7 pounds”
me: [looks at my wife as i pat my pockets] “i didn’t bring any money”
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