[the ’4 Horsemen Of The Apocalypse’ descending from heaven]
me: *clapping excitedly* ooooh, horseys’!!!
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If you tell me to pick a side, I’m always going to choose potato salad.
When you hug someone, think of all the poop you are just inches away from.
Daughter, who can clearly see me cleaning the toilet: “Mom do you like being a grownup?”
“How do you speak with an American accent?”
“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”
karate master: the easiest way to knock someone unconscious is to hit their temple
[later]
my bully brad: you’re stupid
me: where is your place of worship
New shoes. I feel like I should go outside and step directly in dog crap and get it over with.
Went on a family scooter ride. 4y/o asked to be carried the entire 3 mile experience.
Return home from the ride. 4 says “It’s so nice out! We should go for a walk!”
Toddlers don’t GAF.
Q: What’s the difference between a water bottle and puberty?
A: A water bottle has already hit Justin Bieber. #JustinBieber
my idiot dog just ate a box of condom. i was gonna eat those buddy
Last time I saw my boyfriend he was getting on a plane to Helsinki. You might say he vanished into Finnair.
juries are sort of a bad idea idk… have you met 12 people ??
[I remove my bike helmet, but my toupee comes off with it]
“I’m sorry guys, is there something funny about safety?”
Those who ignore the past are doomed to flunk their history test.
If Trump wins the presidency, you know who’s gonna be the most excited about buildin’ a Southern border fence? Canada.
Some people are like water balloons; they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
Pro-Tip: If you’re going to use chlorophorm on someone make sure you don’t inhale it yourself.
I just got a text from someone I don’t know. They say they’re sick and vomitting.
Should I tell them that vomitting only has one T?
HIM: What do you think happens to us when we die?
ME: Funerals, you idiot.
OPPONENT: I’m gonna mop the floor with you!
ME: Thanks I could really use the help
roses are black. so is my heart. me and fries. till death do us part.
I finally finished season one of searching Netflix.
College is like a Dora the Explorer episode; your professor asks a question, stares at you and then answers their own question.
me: i’ve started seeing someone
therapist: as in dating or like hallucinations
13 years ago I ordered an m&m blizzard at Dairy Queen and the lady who took my order screamed “ONE SMALL M&M BLIZZARD!!!” at the top of her lungs then immediately turned around and started making it herself and it’s still the funniest thing that has ever happened to me
Don’t run with bagpipes. You could put an aye out. Or worse yet, get kilt.
[god creating elephant]
“overfeed that aardvark”
Apparently hitting a butterfly with my car is “not a valid reason to call 911” and I “need to grow up”
BOUNCER: I’m sorry miss, you are too drunk to come in.
ME: [lifting shirt] initiate Care Bear Stare!
BOUNCER: Oh, my mistake
ME: [smiling proudly]
BOUNCER: I’m sorry SIR, you are too drunk to come in.
I didn’t want to use the word “Orwellian” in a tweet until I was confident that I could use it properly, so here goes: Orwellian would be a cool name for a horse.