So, #Dorners ID was found in San Diego a week ago and then unmelted in the burned down cabin? sounds legit.
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[My 8yo looking for something]
OMG WHERE IS IT IT’S GONE FOREVER WHAT DID YOU DO WITH IT I’LL NEVER FIND IT WHERE COULD IT BE MY LIFE IS RUINED WHYYYYYYY—oh, here it is.
This was the best day of my life
Me: [smiling straight ahead toward camera]
iPhone facial recognition: who the fuck are you
Me: [head down, chin doubled, scowling]
iPhone facial recognition: OH HEY THERE YOU ARE!
Have sex in the shower? I can’t even wash shampoo out of my hair without holding on to the wall so I don’t fall over.
A fun thing to do is scream “JENGA!” and yank a ladder out from under somebody.
Welcome to your 40s, your favorite songs are on the radio again. They call it classic rock now, but still.
I got a Ouija board tattooed on my back to trick ghosts into giving me massages.
When you’ve brought up your child to be kind and never take sides.
Husband: Who’s fatter – mummy or daddy?
Miss 8: You both are.
I wear a mask in public, not only because the vast majority of doctors say it’s safe and an effective way to combat COVID-19, but also to hide my second chin.
When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
oh shit. came home & there is a giant cat in the bed
[on deathbed – calls for son]
“…..if you highlight the shit out of a document, people will think you read it…..”
me: one more peep outta you & I’m turning this car around
child (pukes up Easter candy):
me: ok that’s it!
So Nickelback is playing a flood relief concert for Alberta. Like those folks haven’t suffered enough.
If it wasn’t for doing triple jump in high school, I wouldn’t be able to put on jeans.
roses are red, violets are blue
*arnold schwarzenegger voice*
tell me who is your daddy
and what does he do
The next time someone sneezes, please don’t say ‘God bless you.’
I just…I just need a day off from the sneezes, is that too much to ask?
What base is it when you’re flirting with a woman and she asks, “Are you all right?”
ikea instructions make no sense, why would they only give me one allen wrench to cook all these meatballs
Snakes have both zero chill and tons of chill because I start freaking out when a piece of food takes a second to go down my esophagus and they feel that every time they eat and it’s not an almond it’s a mouse, oh snakes I wish you such peace
“No! YOU’RE plastered!!!”
-me, drunk, walking into a wall
If I ever meet Morgan Freeman:
Wanna just come back to my place and sit at the end of my bed and tell me a bedtime story?
Please. nobody has to know.
“can i talk to you real fast?” no you can talk to me in a normal cadence or not at all
My toddler is screaming because I won’t give him an apple off of the counter, but what he refuses to acknowledge is that is not an apple.
It’s an onion.
My toddler is crying because I won’t let him eat an onion.
My mom has more confidence in discovering the truth about the JFK assassination than me finding another husband
asked the wife is she thought me getting that folding phone was a good idea and she said if you wanna fold something try the laundry so the foldy phone ain’t happening apparently
Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it’s the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.
Sometimes I feel so bad about not being perfect but then I remember people who expect you to be perfect all the time are exhausting and then I scratch my armpits like a monkey.
FITNESS COACH: Have u been reaching your target heart rate each morning
*Flashback to me replacing the snooze button with an airhorn* “yes”
A small toddler is the closest thing you can have to a Pokémon. It follows you around, you love it dearly, no one else can understand what it’s saying, and it is obedient only when it wants to be. The main difference is that training it to fight other toddlers is frowned upon