Three things you should not watch being made are sausages, laws, and your little brother.
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A good curse on a writer would be “may you realize halfway through that your novel is in the wrong tense”
They say you should dress for the job you want then send you home as “the stormtrooper suit is not appropriate work attire”
If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.
When people tell me “You’re gonna regret that in the morning” I sleep in til noon, because I’m a problem Solver
Romeo and Juliet is a story about two teenagers who save themselves a lot of trouble by avoiding marriage
8-year-old: I upgraded my blanket fort.
Me: It looks the same as before.
8: I added more snacks.
Finally, some meaningful renovations.
Money can’t buy you happiness. But it can buy you burritos and a Slip N’ Slide. So you do the math.
Me: *curling my hair*
Olympic committee: That’s impressive, but not exactly what we are looking for.
Throwing things off the table before my cat gets the chance to is one of my favourite past times. Eye contact is imperative for full satisfaction
[paleontology class]
PROFESSOR: can anyone tell me the period in which dinosaurs went extinct?
STUDENT: uh the Jurassic?
PROFESSOR: bingo!
STUDENT: *smug look*
PROFESSOR: *marking paper* I just finished my dumb answers bingo, it was the Cretaceous
It’s not too spicy I just don’t think I like the flavor.
-Rival Dads when something is definitely too spicy for them.
If my husband doesn’t like my cooking, he can buy his meth somewhere else.
One normal thing I like to do on my my lunch breaks is go on Zillow with my 20 million dollar budget and my f***ing delusions
Nine months from now — when there’s a baby boom in Hawaii — you’ll know who took the incoming missile warning seriously.
[run into an old classmate]
Them: You’ve gained a little weight.
Me: You’ve stayed ugly.
My 2 year old asked me for potato and kept getting mad at me when I gave her potatoes to eat.
It took a good 20 minute meltdown before I figured out that she calls play-doh potato.
Learning a new language has been hard for both of us.
My 5yo just came out of bed saying she yawned so hard her blankets came off, and honestly that’s like, groundbreaking work in the bedtime excuses field.
Me: Will I live a long and happy life? *shake, shake, shake*
SOON A DOZEN CLOWNS WILL MURDER YOU WHILE YOU SLEEP
Me: This is the worst Magic 8 Ball ever.
“Hindsight is 2020” will be a literal phrase when future generations want a guide of what not to do
[after the flood]
noah: a lot of those people you killed were my friends
god: i’m sorry here’s a rainbow
noah: that doesn’t really help
god: maybe if you’d stop whining you’d have more friends
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for me
Peach Farmer: sure
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for free
Peach Farmer: well just hold on now
First Obama came for my guns. Then he came for my knives. Then he came for my dinette set. Then he redecorated the whole place. It’s lovely.
Waiter: You need to let this wine breathe for a moment.
WIne Mom🍷: *grabs waiter by the skinny tie* I STRAIGHT UP PLAN TO GIVE IT MOUTH TO MOUTH, CRAIG
John Lennon: Here I stand head in hand, Turn my face to the wall—
Me: um, it’s fine if you just count to 20 while we hide
How the hell did we sit cross-legged all the time as kids?? I just sat cross-legged to play with the dog for a few minutes and I guess I live down here now because there is no coming back from this.
I truly believe my daughter can be anything she wants to be but after seeing how she plays with mr potato head I really hope that isn’t a doctor
Not me once again breaking something in the house that I’ve repeatedly warned my children to be careful with
If GMOs can make hundred pound tomatoes why don’t I have a pet teacup elephant yet?
Creamy peanut butter is the best because it’s the only thing holding this car together.
Me: *tips the waiter*
Waiter: *angrily climbing out the lobster tank*