A haunted house, but just with a bunch of mall kiosk guys chasing you with face cream
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Looking for a get well soon card but they’re all so inspirational and sappy why not something simple like “I hope you make it through this but if not say what’s up to god for me”
Squirrels before girls.
I want to be the lady in the neighborhood that makes her neighbors slightly nervous…
“Did you see she bought a blowtorch the other day.”
“She told me she was going to paint a mural on the side of her house.”
when I was 8 i stayed for dinner at a friend’s house and at dinner his Mom asked how everyone’s day was and his Dad said ‘A corpse exploded in the van again, got some in Gary’s hair too.’ His Dad was a Funeral Director and i was not allowed to have dinner there anymore.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
*digs in purse to pay for purchase*
Me: Whew, wasn’t sure I had enough. *awkward laugh*Clerk: Would you like to donate $1 to…
Me: *starts digging again*
I sexually identify as that one escaped cricket who’s hopping around on the pet store floor.
Sadly, no one came and cleaned my house while I was on vacation.
Me: Well hello again. I knew you’d be back. I seem to have that effect on people
Fed Ex: Just sign here so I can leave
Zygote that created me: I am creating the miracle of life. The human I become will achieve greatness!
Me: Hear me out….Cheeto Pop Tarts!
Hey Law & Order, please stop throwing around the word semen all willy-nilly, I’m trying to watch this with my mom
Authors subtitle books “A Novel”. Why don’t we subtitle other things? Fast and Furious: A Movie. Broccoli cheddar casserole: A Recipe.
[blind date]
Her: so what do you do for fu..
Me: I’M 34 IF YOU DON’T FALL IN LOVE WITH ME I’M STATISTICALLY UNLIKELY TO EVER FIND A MATE
Has anyone tried lighting a fall scented candle to fix 2020 yet?
Medical offices are like “download our patient portal where we’ll post your lab results then fax us your request for a username and password”
I sprayed FeBreeze on the recliner and now my dog won’t talk to me.
Sorry I can’t pay for a new car right now, I’m still paying off a Naked Juice I bought in 2014
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
[ field trip to the zoo ]
Teacher: what’s your favorite animal?
Debra: I like zebras!
Deborah: I like zeborahs!
What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!
Face it, wild horses could easily drag you away.
I mean, that miniature pony at the petting zoo could probably pull you for miles.
Not now mom I’m downloading a new virus from Limewire
I’ve got a bee in my bonnet, ants in my pants, and a meeting with an exterminator at noon tomorrow
Tonight I realized that I gaze at cheese in much the same way that first time mothers gaze at their newborns
(at the doctor)
Can u cough for me?
*coughs*
Can u exhale for me?
*exhales*
Can u make kissy noises?
*kissy noises*
Can you beatbox at my wedding? the dj backed out.
Police chief – “I’ve been hearing reports that one of our cops is an undercover lobster”
Me -[struggling to grip coffee mug in huge pincers]
Haters will say my strike wasn’t valid just because I bowled it with a rotisserie chicken.
My daughter mockingly told me about Winemaking 101, a class her university offers. I surely hope she won’t mind bumping into me on campus.
Boss: *swivelling in his chair to greet me as I enter his office* I have a job for you
Me: *sighing* again?
Boss: again
Me: *spins his chair*
Boss: weeeeeeeeeeeeeee
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: ….Punches 6yo in the face.
Me: Woah,what the hell was that for?
8yo: He knows.