I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
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I hate spelling errors
You mix up two letters and your whole tweet is urined
My chiropractor is a crack addict.
Conversational tip: For every minute that you spend talking about yourself, set aside 10 seconds for the other person to say something; give them time to give you a compliment.
“I hate being half bicycle-half motorcycle” he moped
*slams a five on the counter*
“Bartender! Give me another!”
*bartender pours me another bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch*
Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you’re also white.
CUSTOMER: why has your colleague got a larger plastic face covering than you?
SHOP ASSISTANT: that’s the supervisor.
I imagine when you get to heaven they give you a box with all the sodas and snacks that vending machines cheated you out of your whole life.
If you’re wondering how punctuation can be used to create suspense,
whoever decided how to spell camouflage is a terrible terrible person
Flight attendant: The pilot has had a heart attack! So who can fly the plane??
Me: omg *nudges wife* I love riddles
So I asked my husband to buy 6 potatoes.
Some guys look classy carrying a flask. I look like a degenerate alcoholic, I dunno, maybe it’s my trackpants. Who’s house is this?
It was my daughter’s turn to pick the movie the other night and I was not prepared for her to choose a yeti documentary
Every sitcom: So you know how in your late twenties and early 30s, you have this close group of friends that just kind of hangs out at each other’s houses all the time?
Teenage me: definitely.
30s me: Wait, what
The most high pressure life situation is doing math in front of someone.
I wonder if my dog gets embarrassed when I give him kisses in front of other dogs at the park.
[broken down submarine]
captain: we only have two hours of oxygen left
me: [holding 43 balloon animals] one hour
My cousin met her husband five years ago on tinder and are now married with kids but she still has him in her phone as “Tom Tinder”
Shades by Gucci, shirt by Dolce&Gabbana, face by Douchebag.
Almost done with my screenplay about the end of the world, and only cats survive.
I call it “Apocalypse Meow”.
girls literally only want one thing..
You can count on your dog to be the first responder when anything or anyone drops to the floor.
[really awkward birthday party]
FIRST EVER PERSON TO SING HAPPY BIRTHDAY: [takes deep breath]
I was thrilled when this beautiful girl came up and asked me for a date.
Then I realised it was just because I work at a dried fruit stand.
Husband: you might want to start adding an occasional LOL
or I’m kidding
or smiley emoji
or I love you into your texts…so if anything ever happens to me it throws off the investigation.
My husband asked if I know the attractive, young woman who jogs down our street every day around lunch and this is one way to lose an office with a view.
WIFE: I love you
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Actually it’s just emotional comfort after years of being toget-
WIFE: *packing* I’ll be at my mothers
[kissing every meatball before loading it onto sub]
subway employee: I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to do that
me: oh i don’t work here
Me: “Am I pretty?”
3-year-old daughter: “Boys aren’t pretty. They’re handsome.”
Me: “Am I handsome?”
3-year-old: “No.”