as a kid, I used to think $1,000 was a lot of money. But now that I’m an adult, I think it’s a tremendous amount of money
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Dear Abby,
I never thought this would happen to me. Today I met a sexy woman who told me I write letters to the wrong publication.
I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve visited Chernobyl… it’s 14
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
No, give me the blue mittens for shoveling. The red ones are for scandal.
Me: I’m very observant
Also me: *pulls away from drive thru without order*
Dunno how you Americans have the motivation and energy to pronounce the ‘y’ in ‘basil’ and ‘tomatoes’.
[mocking jay part 2]
jay: come on guys please stop
HAPPY EARTH DAY!
Suck it, Neptune.
Dear Televised Sports Injury,
We saw it the first time.
Thanks.
Guy: Must be hard being named after the hay Jesus was born on
Christian Bale: What?
Babe are you okay? You’ve only opened one of your Amazon packages
Him: I’m an dog person
Me: *excited* So like, a werewolf?
[first day as a cop]
MY PARTNER: oh shit, there’s a body in this house!
ME: yeah frank, there are bodies in all houses, that’s where people live
Lately I’ve been really honest with people and so far only 47 people are mad at me
My son challenged my wife & I to a game of hide-and-seek. We took off for the weekend and left him some food. In your face, loser!
“Oh my gosh, this is the biggest donut I’ve ever seen.”
“Mam, that’s a tire.”
“Kids, get me a napkin.”
Black Mirror S05E01
January 20, 2021:
[fade in on TV set]
President-elect Kanye walks onstage, nods to V.P. Kanye, and places hand on a Bible held by Judge Kanye.
[cut to]
Kanye, arm around Kanye, turns off TV, tosses remote, and leans over to pet Kanye, who wags his tail.
Hot chick in glasses: *giggle* look at me I’m a nerd!
Me in glasses: *giggle* look at me I have an astigmatism!
KID:Dad what’s the difference between a gerbil and a rat
DAD WHO IS A MAFIA BOSS:A gerbil sleeps in a cage and a rat sleeps with the fishes
Due to an unforeseen error during last night’s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today
If any of my ex-girlfriends are reading this, I want you to know I’m eating chicken nuggets with THREE different dipping sauces, you blew it
The average person swallows 8 cats per year in their sleep.
My savings account has been empty for so long that a Spirit Halloween just opened up inside it
lmao babies are so bad at tic-tac-toe I win every time
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*~ me, at trampoline place embarrassing my kids
Confession: My dad is a Pastor & I play the piano at church when I’m home. I religiously play R&B songs during portions of the service to see who notices. I’ve been playing “Between the sheets” by the Isley Brothers for almost 6 months and today my mom finally noticed.
I work like this:
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
I WILL PUNCH A HORSE FOR HIS FEED BAG AND EAT YOUR BABY FOR DESSERT.
Too full.
I used to dream of having my own washer and dryer, three kids later I dream of having my own laundromat
You can lead a horse to water but I don’t know why you’d want to do that when there are infinitely cooler places to hang out with a horse. Take them out dancing. Go rock climbing. Change it up. Don’t let things get dull. Part of love is constantly surprising each other.
Of all the dinosaurs at yoga class, T-Rex was the worst at downward-facing dog.