“Hot damn!” – the Nazi’s probably after their dams were destroyed.
I don’t know; I’m not a historian. It’s just an educated guess.
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got kicked out of Home Depot for trying to ride the forklift into the bathroom again
My daughter is pissed because I made her miss a forensics club meeting for a dentist appointment and the way she’s staring at me suggests that she’s plotting a way to use her forensic knowledge on me.
From Our CEO
To Our Valued Customersholy shit please come back we promise to start cleaning the bathroom
Mom bod is what happens when you spend too many years cleaning the kids’ plates.
With your tongue.
If someone gives you a gift and you didn’t get them one, hand it back to them politely and say, “I don’t want this shit.”.
My kids started calling me boss today, so now I have the painful task of figuring out which one I’m going to have to let go.
*goes on strict diet for a month, steps on scale*
i lost 4 lbs, nice
*goes off diet for one day, steps on scale*
the punishment does not fit the crime
I hope when I get old, my motorized wheelchair is fast enough the catch the ice cream truck.
“lassie i don’t see anyone at the bottom of this well. are you sure-” timmy felt the paws on his back. his eyes widened as he understood…
My Uber driver just told me that he’s been doing a lot of pick ups/drop offs at ER’s and Urgent Care, so, goodbye.
[sips martini] *sigh* [sips margarita] Now THIS ONE is delicious!
Waiter: Ma’am, you can’t try drinks on other tables. Please sit down.
Dad: (tears in eyes) you’re going to make a fine dad someday
Son: (tears in eyes) should I make him out of wood or metal
Dad: (just bawling)
Responding to a question from your wife with interpretive dance tends to raise more questions than it answers.
Nothing in my college degree prepared me for having the cat supervise me while I clean out the litter box.
i have a lot to offer! most of it’s bad but it’s still a lot
Confession: I’ve said “Can’t wait!” about things I actually could wait for.
I pointed out to my wife that she left the front door unlocked last night, and she’s now providing me with a helpful chronological history of every stupid thing I’ve done.
*Texting*
HIM: Do you have any snacks?
ME: In my panty.
H: Lol, you misspelled “pantry.”
M: Nope.
I hired an insecurity guard. He said
“I hope you feel safe rn cuz I don’t know if I’m right for the job.”
Goth gf: this isnt working out. I think we should see other people
Golden Retriever bf: *started running in circles as soon as he heard the word Out*
Woke up to 5:15am phone reminder telling me I need to set my alarm for 8am. Thanks last night drunk self. This is why we don’t have friends.
Cat that has never been so insulted in all nine of its lives of the day.
Good news: He told me I was his penguin.
Bad news: Penguins only have sex once a year.
The inventor of cheese: This milk is nice but I wish I could bite it.
Mom: how’s therapy
Me: ok. my anxiety is better
Mom: great
Me: yeah
Mom:
Me:
Mom: so did u get the article I sent u about the flesh eating b
Everyone should release their taxes because I cannot read them understand them anyhow
Want healthy, youthful-looking skin? Follow this sure-fire daily routine:
1. Be young.
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just walked out of the grocery store and realized i parked like shit. an absolute garbage approach. i’m so embarrassed. i can’t be seen getting into this car. i’m running away. new life. just the clothes on my back and this cantaloupe
Licked a frog once.
He didn’t turn into a prince but he did turn into an ambulance ride.
Don’t expect me to tweet between 8 & 9 pm because that’s when I dress like Madonna for an hour and dance provocatively in front of my pets.