My kid: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some challah?
Kid: Yes! Make sure I get some of the golden part on top.
My brain: Don’t say it…
Me: The crust?
Kid: What?? That’s crust?? I don’t want that.*repeat daily in various scenarios*
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ZOMBIE: *squishing brains through fingers* got your knows
Dammit, stop summoning me to fight global warming! I’ll believe it when the remaining 3% of scientists believe it! -Republican Capt. Planet
[me holding a door]
PRETTY GIRL: [over her shoulder] thanks.
ME: sorry, i’m married, but in time you’ll get over me.
I am pretty impressed with the woman that created the algorithm to take the first photo of a black hole. Especially because it took me four tries to correctly spell the word “algorithm.”
Me: people are going to body shame no matter the size so you may as well have some cake
Them: okay, ma’am, but you still can’t bring a sheet cake into the movie theater
Peanut brittle, because you have a craving for peanut butter and ceramic tile.
[on phone with attorney]
HIM: you’re being charged for murder.
ME: damn that sounds expensive i guess you can just put it on my Amex
[first day as a scientist]
*accidentally finishes science*
Science Teacher: outside these walls, there are bullies. but in the classroom, there is only science
[I smile and look into my microscope where an amoeba flips me off]
Sorry my ringtone of NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye went off during the funeral
DATE: I’m a historian, I love the mediaeval era
ME: [trying to impress her] *dies at 28*
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
If you’ve got one of those video doorbells, don’t be surprised if I do a tight seven-minute set on your porch.
I have my own hand stamper at home so my coworkers will think I went someplace fun the night before.
Still writing 2023 on all my ransom notes.
An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion is stupid because it could be resting.
Good morning, a spider’s favorite music app is Spotafly and your day can only get better from this joke forward Happy Thursday
Maybe if we all tell the virus we need to talk, it’ll break up with us first.
didn’t turn any of my pre-dawn work alarms off bc i thought i needed to panic for no reason on my days off
my cat just woke up, accused me of a crime, and went back to sleep
The year is 2482.
The human population has been decimated.
Machines have taken over Earth.
A new season of Grey’s Anatomy starts.
Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we’d still be talking about how we’re not finding that airplane.
Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”
Nailed it!👇🏻🤣🤣😆
A summer getaway for women that date younger guys in the bathroom & want to learn to carve cantaloupe?
John Cougar Melon Camp
The “it’s ok to use ‘disability’ as an insult as long as you’re not using it to insult a person with a physical handicap” logic. #facepalm
ME: *Opening my office Secret Santa gift and it’s a loaf of bread* Wooow, well, thank you, to WHOEVER this was from!
MY ONLY DUCK COWORKER: *Whispers excitedly* It was me. I was your Secret Santa.
I’m quiet and not great about confronting neighbors, so I renamed our wifi Everyone Hates Your Rooster, Greg.
Luckily you can’t be arrested for soliciting a donut.