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If two creepy eels slither up to you and promise to solve all your problems and make your dreams come true, be skeptical. That’s all I’m saying.
Me: Like that time in Harry Potter Revenge of the Fallen when the wizard becomes a Camaro
Pal: I think you mean…
Me: Dumblebee, yes, I know what I mean. So, anyway…
I don’t know why HR tell me I’m not allowed to use the fire extinguisher unless there’s a fire, then get cranky when I start one.
Remember when the biggest problem we faced was Gangnam Style
You’ve ripped the husband stick figure off your minivan, but also the cat stick figure. This is a story I want to hear.
My superpower is being able to watch a movie 3 times and getting something new out of it each time (because I was scrolling twitter each time).
my sentiments exactly
My nail technicians always speak their native language around me and I can’t help but feel left out…it’s like…come on besties…I want to make fun of me too
“Mom, I’m an adult. There’s nothing left for you to show me.”
(*folds a fitted sheet*)
“TEACH ME YOUR SORCERY, LINEN WIZARD”
my garbage family is staging an intervention or something for me because i forgot what its called when people have a chin made out of hair
CW: Just quit, Bob, your inventions are useless
Bob [sulks into his office]: Maybe he’s right
*flicks light switch*
*parachute comes out*
“YOU’RE DEAD TO ME”
Me on my first day as a mortician
If we date, pls know I will bird call to you from another aisle in the grocery store
This is the ideal male body. You may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like.
There’s always someone who says “must be nice” when they hear a coworker is off from work and like…my guy, you know you can take days off too right?
The subtext of Moby Dick, The Rime of the Ancient Mariner, and most of Conrad is that you should never make eye contact with a retired sailor because he’s just waiting to tell you some interminable story about his time at sea.
GF: “I’m telling you now! Size does not matter, it doesn’t make you any less important.”
BF: “Yeah? Well explain that to Pluto.”
The earth is the largest rock that any of us will ever stand on. So I’ve never understood rock climbers. By standing on the earth, you have stood on the biggest rock. You are done. You have peaked. You don’t have to keep climbing rocks. Unnecessary.
today my daughter’s preschool teacher told me she was going to separate my kid and her bff because “they’re codependent and fall apart without each other.” like ok thanks mrs smith, where were you when I was dating in my twenties
One minute you’re wild and free, the next you’re standing in Walmart trying to decide between the green and red lid Tupperware sets.
File under excellent bookstore names.
My kids built a fort last night and it’s the cleanest room in the entire house.
Neighbor’s newborn won’t stop crying. Typical Taurus.
Have my doubts about this “smart water,” considering how easily it’s captured and bottled.
The first thirteen years on Twitter are the hardest
One time I stayed in a relationship three months longer than I should’ve because the person had a flattering mirror in their apartment
coworker: Do you want a plate?
me [carrying 2 pieces of cake out of the break room] For what?
my mother: you should still take a sweater just in case
Jesus must’ve had a fortune if he paid for all my sins
Don’t measure your worth by how much money you have. There are other ways to evaluate wealth: How much salami is in your home right now? Do you have both a bicycle air pump AND that weird little pin that always goes missing? How quickly could you get your hands on a large goose?