I’m pretty sure the rule at Starbucks is the slowest employee makes the drinks
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ROOF GUY: That’ll be $15,000
ME: I thought you said it was on the house
I cannot stop laughing at this
My body’s check engine light has been on longer than Law and Order
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, LEAN!*our canoe tips over*
It stops being sexy if you wait 14 hours to reply back.
OF COURSE IT’S A GENUINE BEETHOVEN! Look at those brush strokes, the stunning use of colour.
*yawns so wide a bird flies into mouth*
*closes mouth*
*looks around to see if anyone noticed*
*swallows bird*
*acts like nothing happened*
How many followers do I need more before I start tweeting quotes from Shakespeare and Mark Twain as my own?
My 7YO was coloring in her room on her desk, now I’m wiping off the paint from every part of the house
My date was all ‘next time come to my place and I’ll cook you some food in my air fryer’ and I was like ‘lol sure and I’ll play you some songs on my air guitar’ and then she was like ‘I need to see other people’.
The absolute effort that went into this omg
Sorry I can’t make it, I asked my toddler if he wanted help putting on his shoes he answered “yes I don’t”
passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture
incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED
Apparently in my absence my husband has hung cat-level wall art. So sophisticated 🧐
If anyone deserves an Oscar, it’s me for nodding and pretending to understand the directions you’re explaining to me when I know I’m going to use Google Maps regardless
saw a post asking “would you rather wear a fedora every second for the rest of your life, or every beverage you drink for the rest of your life has 2 drops of pee in it” and i thought the answer was obviously pee until i said this out loud to another person and saw their face
Friend: Don’t you love these new yoga pants? They come with a little pocket for your phone.
Me: Your phone? *quietly stuffs cookies back in pocket*
if she doesn’t reciprocate ur first “i love u”, press ur finger to ur strategically placed bluetooth & say “oh cool u love me too? nice”
me: [slides bank teller a note]
bank teller: what’s a “roblery”
Me: My eyes are up here
Picasso: I disagree
a fat bumblebee keeps bumping into the window trying to get inside and ignores me explaining that outside with the sun and fresh air and flowers is where he wants to be so I’m holding my laptop up to the glass to show him I’m doing my taxes and convince him this is the bad place
Hear me out. If Batman is canonically about 32 then he was born in 1986. And if his parents were killed leaving a movie theater when he was ten years old, then there is a very real possibility
that they were seeing Space Jam.
[shampoo bottle falls in the bath]
all other bottles: WE ARE COMING FOR YOU, BROTHER
Does a hot bath tighten the virginia?
2008: i guess i’d prefer a candidate with a few more years of governing experience
2028: i voted for president bruno mars by scanning a bottle of mountain dew with my iphone
I get it, you have a philosophy degree, but I just want you to make my latte, not wax poetic about life, okay Baristotle? Extra foam please.
Me: i hate it when I have to come in to work
Boss: i hate it when you have to come to work, too
My daughter and I decided to play Monopoly, and we’ve been arguing about the rules for the last hour.
Having a teenager is fun because the voice in my head that questions everything I do now has a friend
My special talent is remembering the lyrics to every song I’ve ever heard more than once BUT I wish it was biochemical genetics or juggling