me: [typing] donkey kong
fbi agent watching my screen: don’t do it
me: donkey kong no tie
fbi agent: god damnit-[into radio] take him down
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Me: I’ve been having a lot of stomach pain.
Doc: You’re allergic to tomatoes.
Me: Oh wow so it’s a mystery then huh.
Doc: Stop eating pizza.
Me: I guess science just doesn’t have all the answers. It’s in god’s hands.
[wedding]
PRIEST: In lieu of vows the couple wishes to do their secret hand shake
ME (groom): could everybody turn around? it’s a secret
Every sitcom: So you know how in your late twenties and early 30s, you have this close group of friends that just kind of hangs out at each other’s houses all the time?
Teenage me: definitely.
30s me: Wait, what
Y’all ever flex on vampires by just walking into people’s homes uninvited
I had beer at lunchtime and now I think I might be sitting in the wrong office
I’d never survive in Canada, it’s so cold so cold I’d ask random strangers to set me on fire
“I’m helping” 😅
When you’re firing off drunk texts & you see the 3 dots
I will give Canada this. Their geese are hard to keep in a headlock.
My 5-year-old found two pennies and shared one with her sister.
I grounded them both because I’m not raising any communists.
My mom: Easter is at noon on Sunday.
Me: I’m not religious but I’m pretty sure Easter is all day.
If you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses people will think you know what you’re talking about.
Colorado is burning down and the next time I see one of you fuckers flick a cig out the window I’m going to ram you with my car.
Therapist: How’s your narcissism?
Much better I thin…*sees my ex walking by* [opens window] HOW ARE YOU STILL ALIVE I BROKE UP WITH YOU!”
Do I just say yes or do I make my group hate me before we even begin this project
*6 opens piggy bank*
Me: wtf where’d you get all that?
6: mommy said I could take $1 out of your wallet each day bc you’d never know
Me: coming to the office Xmas party?
Steve: no [whispers] Lisa just lost her father
Me: there’ll be like 50 of us there. We’ll help you look
ME: When you think about it, shoulders are just hangers for our skin suits
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, we’re still well below my average.
If I was a Transformer? I’d be called something like ‘Past-His Prime’ and i’d turn into a VCR
*bites your top lip*
Ish shish shexy?
[Kitchen]
Me: I’m a were-state. When the moon is full I turn into a US state.
Wife: No you don’t the moon is full now.
Me: *Illinois noises*
Important
Do you ever feel like you’re a white shirt and life is a leaky burrito?
That’s not fat. It’s bonus content.
[fishing]
me: why won’t these goldfish take my bait?
friend: they’re koi.
me: aww don’t be shy little fishies.
The TV show Reacher answers the age-old question: what if there was a really big guy
*whispers to an avocado*
“I’m the good kind of fat, too.”
My kids’ hamster escaped and I found her hiding from them in the closet so I just left her in there because honestly I get it… I get it.
pretty cool how no matter what’s going on in the world, a teenager in a Metallica shirt will always look the same no matter what year it is.