My mom took a picture of me in 1983 using a camera with a flashcube and the light in my eyes just stopped flashing.
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Candy corn is the rare candy that’s worse than than the vegetable it’s based on.
[at a fancy restuarant]
WIFE: make sure u leave a good tip
ME: ok [writing on bill] “only evolve ur pokemon when uve activated a lucky egg”
*destroys head of lettuce*
*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*
Getting invited to an ice cream social is conflicting because there’s the ice cream, but also the social
Thrilled that my 5YO started reading chapter books.
Terrified that she’ll find out the words, pages and chapters I skipped during bedtime routine
I lock the closet that holds my skeletons very tightly. Learned that lesson the hard way after the dog ran off with the wife’s femur.
Gift cards are another way of saying, don’t spend this on dope.
Being a parent means often saying your child is shy rather than “he sees how creepy u are, that’s why he doesn’t want to shake your hand”.
[First day as villain]
Me: [Emails a co worker and then calls them about it immediately]
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
All these laws are really getting in the way of my driving.
I should’ve never taught my parrot to say the alphabet backwards now he drives drunk all the time the cops can’t do shit it’s a real problem
I don’t wanna be an alpha male or a beta male. I wanna be an armadillo so when I’m stressed I can just @ and roll away from my problems
{Goldfish Funeral}
GOLDFISH 1: We’ll never forget him
GOLDFISH2: Forget who?
G1: What are you talking abo-OH MY GOD WHAT HAPPENED TO TEDDY?!
Guard: Sorry, no dogs
Man: But it’s a guide dog
Guard: Oh, ok
Guide Dog: And if you look to your left you’ll notice an insensitive jerk
cashier: would you like a receipt?
me: . o O (if someone is being murdered right now it would be my alibi but if someone gets murdered in the store they could pin it on me)
cashier: well?
me: I want to talk to a lawyer
HUSBAND 911: what your emergency?
ME: my wife hears everything
HUSBAND 911: do I?
ME: what?
HUSBAND 911: what?
I just donated all my pants with buttons because I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life
[wine class]
Swirl your wine. Inhale its aroma. What do you smell?
ME: wine
Can you smell its buttery oaky notes?
ME: nope, still wine
Just burnt 2,000 calories…
That’ll be the last time I bake a pizza while I’m asleep!
Him: drink?
Me: I have a boyfriend
Him: I have a goldfish
Me: What???
Him: I thought we were talking about shit that don’t matter
On a road trip, if you need to pee, you have two options: public restrooms or the grass. I went for grass and could see my dogs nodding their heads in solidarity
Quoting famous dead people on the internet is stupid.
~Confucius
I’ve diversified my investment portfolio by purchasing multiple properties*
*Barbie Dream House, Peppa Pig House, Gabby’s Dollhouse, Polly Pocket house
Gone in 60 Seconds is a documentary about me leaving work on Fridays.
holiday horror movie idea: you have 10 days to complete a completely reasonable task that takes 20 minutes to do
[Pre-School pick up]
Wife: what did you learn today?
Me: the highest waterfall in the world is actually in the ocean.
Wife: I was talking to our Daughter.
Daughter: snakes got no legs.
Me: [visibly upset] everyone knows that already.
Oracle: Beware the Ides of March
Caesar: I’m in danger?
O: Yah, but I meant in, like, 2k years the US will depend on the wisdom of ppl in FL
my nurse asked if i was born in the US and i said “no, i was born abroad” and then there was a long silence followed by her saying “can you please help me? i can’t find ‘Abroad’ on this list…” and showed me a drop down list of countries…