Mowed the lawn yesterday with my shirt off and this morning there were 50 shirts left on my porch with a sign that said, “Please wear.”
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Authentic isn’t automatically good. You could be an authentic douchebag.
Stop burning bridges. They’re not even good kindling. Just use sticks.
Principal: about your son…
Dad: our son?
Mom: is he ok??
Principal: yes, yes. but you see, we’ve found that your son is cool. very cool. far too cool to have parents like you. [hits the intercom] Betty, please bring them in.
[Betty enters with cooler parents]
Judge: Order in the court
[from the back]
Me: Can I get a large pepperoni pizza with… [puts hand over speaker and looks around] what?
Cartman: Respect my
a a
“Genetically modified food is very much safe for human consumption” the tomato on my plate reassuringly explained to me.
when people say “I have two awesome kids” I always wonder how many they have total
“Just spread them open and shove your face in there.”
– How to put on glasses.
Woody: lol u guys! u guys. come hear this shit
Buzz:
Woody: say it again
Buzz: [sighs] to infinity and beyond
Mr. Potatohead: lmao “AnD bEyOnD” does he not understand what infinity means
Carjacking does not mean what I thought but somehow I’m still arrested?
In the theater
Me: Haven’t you ever seen someone stuff their bra before?
Him: Not with tater tots
*pause*
Gimme some.
The most confusing thing about living with a girl is how much hair they shed. How does her hair look so good? How isnt she bald?
Travel experts recommend carrying a second dummy wallet when visiting high crime areas, but I carry a third wallet as well. If a mugger approaches I start an elaborate game of 3-card Monte. “Where’s the money?” I ask. “Wrong!” There is none, I’m broke from buying a third wallet.
I have a list of things I need reached That I’m handing the 1st tall person that comes to visit me.
Nomnomnomnom
Cartoon orange juice is just pulp fiction
A stranger on the internet told me I probably have better things to do than spend time on Twitter.
It’s like he doesn’t even know me at all.
Saw a video for vegan cauliflower icecream on fb and heard the four horsemen of the apocalypse thunder overhead.
Based on Harrison’s choice of best place to land, golfers are the most dispensable.
I like to sit in the hotel hot tub with a bunch of potatoes, peas & carrots. I introduce myself as Stew.
Everyone at the office is going crazy because I faxed someone a hot dog
If you’ve already seen a couple of chickens break up a couple of rabbits fighting today then just keep on scrolling…
I would never be comfortable delivering a baby. I can’t even remove an avocado pit without dropping it.
Putting on the ‘Best of Owl City’ playlist when I want to kill three and a half minutes.
Dating: *lights candle to set the mood*
Married: *lights sage to ward off the evil poop smell*
Hitting it from behind is just how I drive
If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.
MARY: Well, I just had a baby… in a barn. So, thanks to everyone who brought gifts. The gold, the perfumes. All things babies love.
Also the child who inexplicably played drums, like, right in my face.
This…this was great.
I’ve finally found a place that sells peanut butter by the splat
From now on when people forcefully show me pictures of their baby, I’m simply going to reply, “Hmm… I’ve seen better.”