All I did from 1984-1990 was try to shoot the laughing dog in Duck Hunt
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I hate when you get hit by a car while walking down the street and texting and no one is in the car and it’s parked on the side of the road.
What is it about a freshly scrubbed toilet that activates my bowels!?
My dad is a superhero. But without a costume because costumes are expensive and do you think he’s made of money?
I was worried about being overdressed for a Walmart run, but I spilled my dinner on my shirt, so I’m good now.
I was chuckling at all the old men in the parking lot, waiting for the store to open. Then I realized, WAIT, I AM AN OLD MAN SITTING IN THE PARKING LOT WAITING FOR THE STORE TO OPEN
TIN MAN: I want a heart
COWARDLY LION: And I want courage
ZOMBIE: Braaaaains
ACTOR PLAYING COWARDLY LION: W-wait. Where the hell’d Ray go?
Pluto should totally move on and find a solar system that’s going to treat it with the respect it deserves.
Job requirements these days be like:
Looking to hire a caterpillar. Must have ten years experience as a butterfly.
*trying a new meal*
Wife: how do you like it?
Son: *hesitating* my water’s pretty good
In your selfie, you had rabbit ears and little whiskers. You don’t really have any of those things! Catfish! Just like rainbow tongue girl.
Him: Are you eating cake for breakfast again?
Me: [mouth full] It’s got eggs in it.
Not all crimes are bad. For example: If there was a crow sized hole in a bank vault & a crow decided to sneak into the vault to bring me a shiny coin, every day, for years… This would be good actually.
I walk in the kitchen and see a note on the refrigerator. “The kids and I are leaving you. I want a divorce.” Shocked, I break down in tears, wondering where it all went wrong. The husband is crying too, at which point I realize I’m in the wrong house.
I could be wrong, but an escape goat strikes me as an awfully inefficient getaway plan.
Friend: “You really shouldn’t let pets sleep in your bed.”
Me: “But I like cuddling!”
Friend: “I think your goldfish is dead now.”
[opens jar of olives and pours them in my garden]
“Now grow to be a restaurant”
I love sipping margaritas by the pool. Or, as my neighbor with a pool calls it, “Trespassing.”
me: I quit my job as a waiter
wife: what? how will you keep putting food on our table?
me: *scoff* I remember my training, linda
Hear me out: a switch blade but instead of sharp metal a meatball sandwich pivots out
It’s almost as if my husband actually believes I’m saving us money when I say “I got it on sale.”
When I was younger I wished Hulk Hogan would be the president. Now that I’m older I wish Hulk Hogan would be the president.
I don’t simply want to kill a mosquito, I want to bite them back over and over to make them itch
Oh, I see. “Adam and Steve” is gay, but “Adam dates his own rib” is perfectly acceptable.
CVS Pharmacist: Agree to the terms on the touchpad
Me: No
CP: U have to
Me: Nope
CP: Is there a problem with the terms?
Me: No
CP: Then sign it
Me: No
CP: SIGN IT!
Me: I’M NOT TOUCHING THAT SCREEN
CP: Then I can’t give u ur Xanax
Me *signs w/my elbow*
CP: Take ur receipt
Me: No
Fact: ants can lift 20 times their body weight, more if a bro is spotting them.
I have a hard time believing that bears made porridge & the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
[Bar]
me: Gimme one more
wife: I think you’ve had enough
m: Last one
w: Fine
m: *asks waitress for another kids menu so I can do the maze*
My favorite part of The Nun Is when the priest goes “You’re gonna need a bigger nun.”
Bear attack by generation:
Boomer – kill bear level forest into a mall parking lot
Gen x – climb tree build fort
Gen y – wait for helicopter Gen. x parent to fix it
Gen z – die doing bear makeover for insta
Why stop at weighted blankets? Put a boulder on me.