If necessary, pouring pickle juice into the coffee maker makes a house uninviting to 99% of house guests.
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Parole officer: Come in and take a seat
[me, finishing a jail term for stealing chairs] *starts sweating*
What’s that? You want to hear my impression of an owl that repeats itself?
Well I couldn’t give two hoots.
Maybe your jeans are distressed because you’re wearing them?
*Librarian walks in* You know what’s great kids? You don’t need wifi to read a book!
*Kids boo*
*Someone in the crowd yells “NERD”*
*phone rings*
Menacing voice: ‘Have you checked the children?’
Me: ‘Could you do it?’
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
*Hums Every Breath You Take in grocery line
*Gets arrested for stalking 3 people
It’s been a horrible morning so far. My ex got run over by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver 🙁
accurate
*sniffs date’s hair*
[later on in ambulance]
“no, it’s my fault for not mentioning I’m allergic to japanese cherry blossoms”
ME: I can’t find my glasses
SON: They’re on your head
ME: [beer spilling down my face] lmao not again
Relationship status: Invented an imaginary GF, but she just wanted to be ‘friends’ and slept with my dad. Typical.
*jesus rubs his temples before giving a sermon*
anyone else feel like choking that seagull over there?
[NASCAR Press Conference]
REPORTER: What’s your race strategy?
DRIVER: Fast circles
[kissing every meatball before loading it onto sub]
subway employee: I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to do that
me: oh i don’t work here
Toe: He just banged me into his dresser. Should I give him the most intense surge of pain he’ll ever experience?
Brain: Wait 2 seconds.
each morning I put one uncooked ravioli in a thermos. i pour hot water over it, steeping it like tea, and then i drink it all day at work (i work at the white house) and at the end of the day, as i take the last sip of the tea, the soft ravioli slides into my mouth, and i eat it
tag: “dry clean only”
me: single-use garment? what a waste
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
I milked the cow
“We don’t have a cow”
the neighbors’ cow then
“Their cat?”
Pretty sure it was a cow he was saying moo
“Meow”
Ah shoot
*sees cute boy checking me out*
me: our horde of children will have his eyes and my low standards
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re tired of straining your pasta by pouring it on to your cupped hands and waiting until the boiling water seeps through, try “colanders”. I’ve just switched to colanders and they’ve made cooking pasta a much less painful experience👍
C’mon, I can’t be the only one that does kegels to pass the time in meetings
Friend: my wife & I had our son very young
Me: so did we, he was just a baby
Maybe sunscreen is like ketchup to sharks
I want to open a restaurant for divorcees but I can’t think of what to name it other than fed ex
“I’m so over you.”
– A blanket.
Them: I saw someone who looks just like you!
Someone:
Making spaghetti for dinner tonight, so I’ll only have enough for about 37 of you guys if you decide to come over… make your reservations quickly