Nazi is a bit harsh…I’m more of a grammar Spanish Inquisition
You Might Also Like
(God creating coyotes)
God: Make them look like dogs.
Angel: Exactly like dogs?
God: But with a meth problem.
[radioshack meeting]
employee: sir, overall sales are really low.
CEO: when did we start selling overalls, bro?
i quit boxing the moment i realized my opponent was allowed to punch me in the face too
And on the second day, God created the sunset and He saw that it was good but decided it would looketh better with the Amaro filter.
My husband pissed me off so I went shopping for the afternoon, with all of our remotes.
I’m always confused when people accuse me of “just tweeting things for attention” because…obviously? This isn’t my personal diary. I want people to see it. 😂
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
me: this is so crazy it might just work *opens latch to let out hundreds of pigeons that I have tied to me*
her: nope just crazy
me: *covered in pigeon poo* you’re right I need more pigeons
This wombat looked more fun in the catalogue.
applying to a job I probably won’t get, so under additional skills I wrote “easily startled but excellent bladder control”
he literally just said, “everyone’s saying i won the debate.”
is it possible…hear me out…trump has an imaginary friend named Everyone?
I’m “My dog gets in the pool more than anyone else in the family” years old.
SON: [Stood by tree with apple on head] Dad, what ever happened to my three younger brothers?
WILLIAM TELL: [Aiming arrow] ….Chicken pox
[bank]
Associate: are you here to take out a loan?
Hitman: don’t worry, I’ll make it look like an accident
Therapist: Alright, let’s start at the beginning
Me: *Sighs* I guess it all really started when I wasn’t born a centaur
My arc would have been filled with wolves. I would have made a terrible Noah.
I don’t always look like an uncombed, shaggy mess but when I do, please don’t report it as a Bigfoot sighting.
KOHL’S: YOU SAVED $92 based on these arbitrarily high prices we made up!
ME: I am honestly just so blessed
Wifi so slow at my parent’s house that we actually got to know each other better.
me: be gentle, it’s been a while for me
turbo tax advisor:
“It gets better”
– vague
– passive
– civil“Time will put your enemies in the ground”
– specific
– threatening
– goal oriented
John: There are places…
Paul: I remember
George: All my life, though…
Ringo: How can antibiotics and pro-biotics both be good for you
[after finding and hanging out with bigfoot] does anyone have one of those pet hair rollers
*drinking my first beer with my dad*
“I can’t believe you made me eat the other ones”
My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.
If you pretend you’re skimming you can straight up throw rocks at people.
My cousin got hit by a car while jogging this morning. Drunk driver plowed right through the front of his Planet Fitness
I am all good here, 😂😉
ME: *wearing multiple earrings, a face mask, earbuds and glasses*
EARS: Shall I hold your purse as well or are you good?
Me: I just watched Airplane and need to ask you something
Brother: What is it?
Me: It’s a comedy movie from 1980, but that’s not important right now