*a dog sits down at a roulette table and pushes his life savings in chips to the center*
Put it all on Grey
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AVOCADO: Hello I’m good fat
BACON: *lights cigarette* *punches avocado*
*pours a bucket of water into the ocean*
You’re free now
[Wine tasting]
Me: Yep. Wine.
The heavy sighs are coming from inside the kitchen. A passive aggressive horror story
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
6 YEAR OLD RENOVATOR: So over here we’ll tear up the carpet, and obviously add a lot of furniture, as the floor will be lava.
why tf did we learn state capitals?? when has anyone ever “topeka is the capital of kansas”’d their way out of a real problem
Best way to ensure social distancing is to carry a clipboard everywhere. You’re welcome.
Boss: Our toilet is fixed.
M: I can stop pooping at ur house.
B: You’re using the bathroom at my house?
M: There’s a bathroom at ur house?
hotel guest: what room am I in?
me: this is the lobby
manager: can I talk to you
It’s always humbling when the dinner I had delivered comes with 2 sets of cutlery
My mom announced her retirement yesterday, and her boss immediately started expressing concerns about all the tax penalties she’d incur by taking Social Security “early.”
And that’s how my mom found out everybody at work thought she was 15 years younger than her actual age.
The only downside is the realization that several people at work knew how old her children were, meaning a lot of people have been operating under the assumption she had a lot of kids in high school.
finally found a reasonable question
LMAO
I either text back right away or never, because I saw your text, replied in my head but forgot to actually type it.
A man rejecting my advances can’t hurt me. I have a dog who leaves the bed every time I climb in.
Bagged lunch circa 1984
-sack of flour
-room temperature buttermilk
– note from mom saying “figure it out”
My doctor doesn’t like it when he tells me to disrobe and I say “you first, I’m shy.”
Her: *seductively raises knee and rests foot on car to expose a lovely thigh
Me: That’s gonna leave a shoe print, get your foot off there.
RRH: Grandma, what big eyes you have. And what big ears you have. And what big TEETH you have!
Grandma: You’re my least favorite grandchild
Me: Look. There’s a deer.
Hunter: Don’t spook it.
Me: *slowly stuffing a werewolf mask back into my backpack*
Me: Alexa, who would you rather marry, Siri or Cortana?
A: I’m an AI, monogamous relationships are irrelevant
M: Oh you naughty minx!
when i see a siren i like to pretend there are tiny people at an ultra exclusive tiny rave on top of a car.
Tracklist for Donda 2
1. I hate Pete Davidson.
2. Did I mention that I hate Pete Davidson.
3. Cancel Pete.
4. I hope Pete Davidson has a really awful day.
5. I still hate Pete Davidson.
6. Kim come back.
7. I really hate someone with the initials P.D
How I flirt with girls:
1. Walk past them 15 times
2. Go home
[fancy restaurant]
ME: *combs my beard with a fork*
HER: what the hell man
ME: oh shit did I use the wrong one?
I’ve been introducing myself as Jim The Chosen One ever since I was named milk monitor in grade 6.
An example of men’s inability to understand women – Me: I have Nothing To Wear!! Him: Awesome!
The liquor store has hours of operation but I call them visiting hours.
[me, taking a drug test at work] the company didn’t specify which drugs we had to take to prepare for this, so I took them all