[if my cat tweeted]
When “over 38” is sad and missing her boyfriend, I try and cheer her up by peeing on her shoes and puking on her phone.
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[First day as a beaver]
Me: Dam.
Beer before liquor never been sicker. Taco Bell before wine no 69
rooster: sorry totally overslept lol you weren’t late for anything important were you
fourth wiseman:
Prevent future fights among your children by not owning any nice things.
“Dad why’d u name me this?”
I named u after the greatest athlete to ever live
“Oh ok”
Now let’s go, Air Bud, we’re gonna be late for church
Muffled whimpers, moaning, panting…
…it’s just me, taking the stairs
The mice in my apartment left me a note that said as long as I keep buying store brand graham crackers, there’s no need for traps.
I really really think we are not giving kids enough credit for their resiliency during this incredible period of adult stupidity
Normal Person: *has a bad dream, says “that was weird haha” and goes on with day*
Me: *has a bad dream, thinks of ways to make it into an unusual, horrifying plot for a novel, then get writer’s block, can’t finish it, and say “that was weird haha” and go on with my day*
When I die, I want my ashes loaded in a howitzer and shot at a target. That way, when it misses and smashes a storefront, everyone will be like “yup, that’s Dean”
*waves arm in the direction of the lake*
One day, all this will be yours.
12: Are you threatening to drown me?
Me: Just make your bed, k?
Dating another woman, expectations: pillow fights in lingerie, suprising eachother w/ flowers, romantic baths, pride parades
Reality: passing the same cold back & forth, “are you wearing my jeans again?”, hair everywhere, “it’s MY turn to lean on YOUR chest!”, who’s bra is this
Mammals for $500 Alex
“Slow moving mammals that spend most of their time sleeping & eating”
What are sloths?
“Wrong, What are coworkers”
They got Raph!
Mediums are on the decline because no one from the past wants to talk to us anymore
Although I’m not exactly overjoyed with my single status. I thank God I’m not married to the obviously married guy hitting on me.
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
Relationship status:
I ran out of toilet paper a week ago.
Update:
I am now running out of paper towels.
An esteemed colleague told me he hard-boils eggs in the morning, uses them as pocket warmers, and then has them as a little mid-morning snack when he gets to work.
Truly, the line between genius and madness is very thin.
My son turned 8 yesterday. I’m killin’ it at this parenting thing.
Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years
Dogs can be sound asleep, get up and shake it off and they’re ready to go. I tried this and sprained my neck
Guy about to write “12 days of christmas:” help i need last minute gifts!
bird keeper: ok hear me out.
Judge: I find you guilty of all charges
Neutron: This is some bullshit
I eat bagged salad two days *past* the sell-by date, if you’re looking for a bad boy with a mysterious tummy ache
Sex with me is like bowling. Lots of drinking and cursing. Sticking your fingers in weird holes. You have to rent shoes.
Officer, I swear there is a simple explanation..
~me standing in the street with no pants, one sock and a turkey baster in my hand
I wonder what Cannibals & Aztecs would say, watching civilized people eat symbolic hearts of loved ones on Valentine’s Day.
I never drank a day in my life. I almost drank 18 hours once, though.
Thoughts and prayers to my daughter who wrote a sentence that didn’t fit on one line.