ad for letuce:
do u- hey do u ever wish u coud eat water
You Might Also Like
liquor on the top shelf is so expensive because the bartender has to stand on their tippy toes to reach it
Why does my 2yo insist on looking homeless when we leave the house?
It’s all fun and games until you realize he understands Spanish.
Watching golf, and every ovation is a standing ovation.
[consoling grieving widow]
so I guess you’ll be looking for a new owner for his pokémon collection?
What we should have feared all along is all the stupid people banding together.
Remember when everyone was tweeting about how bad 2019 was and we couldn’t wait until it was over?
2019: “How you like me now?”
Shit, I missed Jesus’s birthday, didn’t I?
@NoogsCorner
Sub-Zero: Ok fineScorpion: Give me a hug
Sub-Zero: Umm no..
Scorpion: GET OVER HERE
What the hell happened here.
the helium shortage is only being made worse by inflation
support small businesses like a mouse selling tiny umbrellas or even a bee selling tiny umbrellas
Me: Hey, baby. Want to come over?
Him: No, I’m sorry. I’m contemplating the meaning of life.
Me: I’m naked and alone 😏
Him: We all are…
I don’t like who I become when an online form expires in the middle of me filling it out.
Week days: I can’t wait to spend time with the kids this weekend. A movie night sounds amazing!
Weekend: Stop fighting and pick a movie! Why is there popcorn all over the floor?! WHAT DID I JUST SIT IN?! IS IT MONDAY YET?!
I fart in church so I can sit in my own pew.
My superpower is destroying the neighbors living room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and my laser pointer.
Cop: “Are you driving under the influence?”
Me: “No.”
Cop: “Say the alphabet backwards.”
Me: “Tebahpla eht.”
“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.
Me: Please. Just a little longer.
Dental Asst: Ma’am. It’s been 24 minutes since your x-ray. It’s not a real hug, and I need to use the apron on other patients now.
My 9yo just made a “protein shake” out of milk, cookies and ice cream.
I’m making him my new nutritionist.
SPOILER ALERT: In the book “What to Expect When You’re Expecting,” it’s a baby. You’re expecting a baby.
Diet update: I’ve lost 7 pounds, two friends, and my will to live.
[trying to avoid awkward silence on first date]
you ever see a horse throw up?
“no”
*smiles and turns phone sideways so video gets bigger*
[alien wobbles out of spacecraft]
“Take me to your leader”
[30 minutes later]
Me: So, this is my wife…
My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.
God: Noah, I need an ark.
Noah: Why don’t you ask Joseph, the carpenter?
God: Uh [huge grin] cos I’m banging his wife? [raises hand] up top?
Scientist: Finally, my modeling algorithm ‘Predicting Cat Behavior’ is complete!
Cat: *walks across the keyboard, deleting the file*
Therapist: so next time we feel that rage, we stop, we count down from five, and then we….
Me: …sweep the leg?
Breakfast: 300 calories
Lunch: 400 calories
Dinner: 600 calories
Evening Snack: 2,400,000 calories