ME: [bumps man]
MAN: [spills coffee] Say sorry
ME: No
MAN: Then I’ll see you in court
ME: [remembers I own a camouflage suit] You won’t
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If a vacuum cleaner really sucks does this mean it’s good or bad?
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
For lent I gave up eating random crumbs I find on my desk
Kids: Always remember to brush your drugs and don’t do teeth.
Do you have anything the size of an eyepatch on the left & a cantaloupe on the right?
– Me, bra shopping
Me: I can’t afford to get my hair coloured at the salon this month. I’ll just do it myself at home.
Me: *half an hour later*
Stephen Hawking says artificial intelligence could destroy the human race. Sorry Stephen, but my money’s on LACK of intelligence.
Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate?
Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?
Want to feel old? This is what the vampires from Buffy the Vampire Slayer look like now.
My husband threw away a perfectly good box as if we might not need it in 20 years.
Me, surprised: Why are you in a hurry to get to school?
7yo, matter-of-fact: My enemies are waiting
Life hack:
Do all the dishes after your kids go to bed so you can have clean silverware for the first 47 minutes of the next day.
If my yogurt drink which included “billions of live and active cultures” expired three days ago, did I just have a mass funeral in my belly?
No one prepared me for getting hotter with age, yet here I am handling it.
Had a guy ask me if I would wear a nurse outfit when I saw him. I said flirtatiously “Oh you need me to check something for you?”.
He said “No I just like to roleplay having access to healthcare.”
Me: Can I interest you in a nightcap?
Her: *blushing* sure
Me: What’s your hat size?
If you have an easy firstborn child, don’t feel good about yourself. It’s a trick from Mother Nature so you, fueled by false confidence, reproduce again. Your second will be a no-limit soldier who likes to slap and doesn’t sleep.
“I have the memory ofGOD DAMMIT LINE PLEASE!”
“An elephant, Dumbo. You have the memory of an elephant.”
“
If you can’t think of a word say “I forget the English word for it”. That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.
Tony Hawk: *does a 360*
Tony Owl: *does a 360 while doing a 180*
them: did u get my email?
me: [saw it but completely forgot to respond] omg no can u resend?
I don’t always have time to call people back but when I do I don’t.
It is with a heavy heart that I announce I will no longer be accepting mayonnaise as a form of payment because SOME of you *glares at the crowd* made it weird.
DATE: Do you like sports?
ME: *nervously* Sure.
DATE: What’s your favorite sport?
ME: *panicking* Panicking.
I like my ex’s like I like my coffee…
Ground up and in the freezer
“I got you, babe.”
– kidnappers
Shepherd’s wife: You always seem so happy dear.
Shepherd: I got ewe babe.
This old rich guy pointed to a jungle and said I had 20 minutes before he started hunting me. He seems pretty mad that I’m just standing here tweeting.
[Wife watching news]: The tuxedo store was robbed. Know anything about that?
Me in super frilly tux: Nope
*Dog walks in also wearing tux*
Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.