I pray every night that I never become religious…
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[interview]
So what makes you qualified to be an x-ray technician?
Superman: Are you being serious right now?
I like putting my socks on the hot dog spinner at 7-Eleven so they get toasty warm and so that I attract dogs towards me all day long
One time I stepped on a sea urchin and I forgot all about the migraine I was having, so yeah, I’d say acupuncture is pretty effective.
I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.
it’s so funny that the veggie used to make veggie chips is just a potato
they are potato chips
in the mid 20s liminal space where if u entertain dinner guests half the people r gonna bring a $30 bottle of natural wine and beautiful salad the other half are going to bring themselves and the largest bag of flamin hot cheetos u have ever seen
[Bomb will explode in 26 seconds]
*googles “how to defuse a bomb”*
*clicks top result*
*it’s a 17-page slideshow.*
GODDAMMIT
*an ad plays*
“Is it better to be feared, or to be loved?” Cats chose both, and they’re doing fine
-hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger!
-oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
Someone already tweeted it’s hot outside.
Delete your tweet.
I thought I found a baby owl today that needed help. He was an adult pigmy owl who let me pick him up then clawed and bit me. He is free now
indiana jones: time to explore ancient caves, fight nazis, and seek treasure
idaho jones: time to eat potatoes again
[job interview]
-Describe yourself to me in one word.
-poor
[puts puppy in microwave]
[googles instructions for making hotdogs]
[quickly releases puppy from microwave]
[1st date]
“My birthday is on April 20th, so 4/20. Isn’t that cool? When’s yours?”
Oh, umm *sweating* Sextember 69th
The worst thing about admitting you’re an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.
Some people won’t try bacon for religious reasons. I won’t try religion for bacon reasons.
How to lose weight:
1. Name your kid Weight
2. Take it to the mall
End any argument with a baby by saying “Well, at least my arms are longer than my head.” YA GOT SMOKED, BABY
A little boy just screamed down the tube carriage “if you’re happy and you know it clap your hands” and everyone remained silent. I love London
ME [yelling down into a volcano]: You shut your stupid Earth mouth
*Someone messages me*
I hope your well
And I’m like, you hope my well what?
You hope my well is fine?
You hope my well is providing me with clean water?HOW DO YOU KNOW I HAVE A WELL, WHAT DO YOU HOPE FOR IT & WHY CAN’T YOU FINISH YOUR SENTENCE?
Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled
Death row last meal? Starfish. Eat a leg, it grows back. Sit back and enjoy a long life eating starfish legs in an electric chair.
My toddler has had a rough day. I gave her regular milk instead of chocolate and Peppa Pig didn’t oink enough
“Goodnight, don’t look at your phone too long”
“I won’t”2am on Wikipedia: “So *that’s* how they make bowling balls…”
Therapist: and what do we do when we’re feeling sad?
Me: put on a flowy duster and a fringed scarf and sing along to Landslide on repeat while we sway back and forth and channel the goddess Stevie
Therapist [downloading Fleetwood Mac]: this session is on me
me: my fish is very dry
waiter: yes, we had to take him out of the water
me: smart
9-year-old: It’s raining pretty hard.
Me: You can use your cool new umbrella.
9: I don’t want to get it wet.
Every day, I hope I don’t get bitten by a spider. I’m not afraid of spiders, I just don’t want the responsibility of being a superhero.